Kate Gets a Grip
by KrisWritesWrongs
Summary: The events of this story take place after 4.1 "Rise." Kate's investigation into a horrifying series of murders brings her closer to Castle. Eventually, Kate has to choose between a relationship with Castle or to continue her mother's investigation.
1. Chapter 1

_This is my first "serious" Castle fanfic. It's also the first time I've written sexually explicit scenes (not in this chapter but eventually). It was a little weird writing them, maybe they will be awkward, I'm not sure. But I figured if I'm not going to see it on the show anytime soon, I may as well write it. _

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><p>Richard Castle is watching Kate Beckett and he doesn't like what he sees. She's been back to active status for over a month but despite her repeated assurances that she is fine, he can see she isn't. She and Esposito are questioning a suspect in the interrogation room and she doesn't have her usual unshakeable confidence. He wants to be in there with her but he can't. His phone call to the mayor got him back in the precinct, but Capt. Gates set guidelines on what he could and could not do. Helping to interrogate suspects is on the "not in my damn squad" list.<p>

Kate sits at the table across from a man suspected of bludgeoning to death an Indian-American man. Standing behind the suspect with his arms crossed and wearing his watchful, expressionless cop face is Esposito.

"So, Bart, why don't we talk about why you're here today?" Kate asks him pleasantly, folding her hands on the table. Bart stares at her, a large man covered with KKK and "white power" tattoos. His t-shirt is stained with the remains of what she imagines must have been his lunch. He doesn't respond.

Kate flips through the case file, trying to keep calm. She's tired, hungry and wants to go home. This man creeps her out. He won't talk. He sits and glares at her with those black eyes. She can't let him know how nervous he makes her; if he so much as sniffs fear, she'll lose control of the interview completely. She knows Castle is watching and can almost see the "I'm worried about you" crease on his forehead. The last thing she wants to hear is another Castle "are you sure you didn't come back to work too soon?" talk. The previous one didn't go so well. She about bit his head off, but it was either that or collapse tearfully into his arms and she's not ready to go down that road yet.

"Come on, Bart. Talk to me. Mr. Singh was found in your garage beat to death. We have witnesses who saw you yelling racial slurs at him when he complained about the repair job you did on his car. Now Mr. Singh is dead." Kate slaps her open palms on the table. "Where were you last night between midnight and 4am?"

The man shifts in his seat. "I'll be wherever you want, sweetie." He leers at her over the desk. "Right between your legs, right now, if you get rid of José." Bart laughs and Kate feels her smile freeze. He's sniffed out her fear and is challenging her.

Esposito slaps the suspect on the back of his head. "Cool it, asshole." On the other side of the glass, Castle watches with clenched fists and silently thanks Esposito for doing what he can't. The pre-bullet Kate would have had a confession by now. The present Kate has too many fears bottled up inside of her to battle the new ones.

Ignore him, Kate tells herself. Get the confession. She forces a teasing tone into her voice. "Now, Bart, as alluring as that offer is—" and is cut off when Bart shoves the table into her abdomen. He jumps to his feet and looms over her, fists balled, ready to strike. "Don't play with me, bitch. I'm not telling you anything. You, or your buddy there. Women are good only for fucking and—" his rant ends in a shout as Esposito hooks an arm around his throat and shoves him face first onto the table. Castle starts towards the interrogation room but is pushed aside by Ryan.

"Castle, don't even think about it," Ryan yells at him as he rushes into the room to help Esposito subdue the now frenzied, obscenity-yelling suspect. Kate gets up from the table and walks from the room. She stands next to Castle and watches Ryan and Esposito through the glass. Castle opens his mouth, shuts it. Asking if she's okay would _not_ be welcome right now.

"Well, that went to shit fast," she comments. Castle sneaks a look at her from the corner of his eye. Her face is white, but composed.

"He was a real jerk," Castle says, then cringes. What can he say? "Kate, you're off your game" wouldn't go over real well. Plus he has the distinct impression she's thinking that right now anyway.

Kate gives him her classic eye-roll. "Thanks, Castle. Because men with KKK tattoos who murder their customers _aren't_ jerks."

"You know what I mean." Now he's giving her _the_ _look_, the look that says "I'm worried/I love you/do you want a hug?" all in one glance. Kate tries to avoid _the look_ because it makes her think about way too many things she'd rather not think about. She knows that when—if—she lets him hold her, she may never leave his arms. She avoids meeting his eyes as she smiles and touches his arm.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks."

Castle still feels her hand on his arm, even though it was the slightest of touches. "Do you want to get something to eat? I don't think you've eaten since that bagel." He doesn't expect her to accept his offer, but he still tries.

She's shaking her head before he even finishes his sentence. "No, that's okay. I'm really tired. I'm going to let the boys finish up with lovely Bart in there and go home. Order some take-out."

"You eat too much Chinese food."

"You worry too much." She smiles at him again, her eyes briefly meeting his and then glancing away. "Night, Castle."

"Goodnight, Kate." As Kate walks away from him, she can feel his eyes on her. It takes all the will power she possesses to not turn around and accept his dinner invitation. She doesn't want to go home to her lonely apartment but she's not good company right now. There's been too much tragedy in her life in the last few months, too many changes, for her to bare her bruised heart to Castle. Right now she has his friendship and she needs that much more than she needs a lover. Although sometimes when he is standing near her at the murder board, she sneaks looks at him: at his devilish blue eyes, the curve of his bottom lip and images of their brief kiss a year ago flash through her head. She's been replaying that kiss a lot lately. She feels his mouth on hers, his hands on her body, the softness of his hair beneath her fingers as she pulls his head close to her. His body is hard and warm against her and she wants his hands on her breasts—

Kate gets to her desk and collapses into her chair, her face flushed and palms sweaty.

_Jesus, Kate_, she says to herself. _Cool it_. A uniformed officer walking by gives her an odd look but doesn't stop. There's a bottle of water on her desk and she unscrews the top and takes a swig. Her heart is still pounding. Damn. She shared one kiss with Castle—one!—and it still has the power to turn her sweaty and shaking with longing. She was with Josh for almost a year and he more than pleased her in bed, but her memories of them together never affected her like this. Once, when he woke her by slowly kissing his way down her body, she dreamed it was Castle's mouth between her legs, Castle's hands stroking the slope of her belly and she breathed his name aloud in the moment before the orgasm quaked through her body and made her aware that it wasn't Castle touching her.

Kate presses a hand against her forehead, closes her eyes, and fills her lungs with air. Releases. _Okay_, she thinks. _I'm fine now. Perfectly okay_.

The quiet of the squad room is disturbed by voices coming down the hall. It's the three musketeers. Kate panics. No way does she want to test her resolve by seeing him again right now. She hurriedly grabs her purse from the bottom drawer of her desk and runs from the room, her coat trailing behind her.

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><p><em>Hello. Thanks for reading. You can review now if you want but ultimately there will be 11 chapters in total.<em>


	2. Chapter 2

Kate leaves what she hopes will be her last therapy session a little after seven. It's early December and the city is dressed in its Christmas finest. Despite pairing her dark wool winter coat with a cheery red scarf, Kate isn't feeling very jolly. She's heading up an investigation that has been dragging on for two months now with very little progress. It's a particularly horrible case: so far three pregnant women have been murdered. The only bright spot is that the babies were saved because the murderer calls 911 and summons help. Still, three families have been hit with tragedy and loss and three children will never know their mothers. Capt. "Iron" Gates has been steadily applying more pressure on Kate and her team and demanding almost hourly updates. Kate misses Roy's mentoring and good advice now more than ever. He would have brought her into his office, handed her his flask, told her she was the best detective he'd ever trained, and told her to go out and solve the damn case. His unshakeable confidence in her abilities helped her focus and solve a case even when it seemed unsolvable. She has no one to be that calm, guiding influence for her now. Well, no one but Castle.

Castle.

Kate allows herself a small smile. He's had her back every moment. When the first awful murdered woman was found he was there, quietly encouraging her and keeping her steady when she felt herself flailing. He's developed a sixth sense regarding her moods and knows when to keep everything serious and when to lift her spirits with a bad pun or a little flirting. Aside from a gentle touch on her hand or shoulder, Castle's not touched her. She doesn't know whether to curse this or be thankful. She craves him now like chocolate, like a drowning woman needs air, but when he does touch her—even the most casual touch—it sets off fireworks in her body and she jerks away from him, worried that he will feel them. She thought just maybe, _maybe_, with some distance from her shooting and hours of therapy, she could approach her mother's investigation with a fresh eye. And maybe give the relationship with Castle a chance to grow. But now with these homicides—the press is calling them the "mommy murders"—she's had little time to invest in solving her shooting and finding the "dragon," much less try to build a relationship with Castle. So now, a month from Christmas, Kate is feeling anything but Christmas-y even though she is surrounded by music and shoppers and decorations hanging from lamp posts.

Kate gets into her car and battles traffic all the way to her father's apartment. Ever since her shooting, he's been more insistent at having regular "father/daughter" visits. Kate is fine with this except that he's more interested in her social life now. Specifically, her social life as it relates to Richard Castle. Kate sighs. Castle. He's everywhere and has everyone on his side, including her father.

"Hi, Dad," Kate says to him when he opens the door and she gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. Jim Beckett eyes his daughter critically as she walks past him into his apartment. She's still too thin, he thinks. She never regained the weight she lost while recovering from her wounds and this latest case hasn't helped.

"I made a lot of spaghetti and your favorite sauce," he says to her. "The bread is from Panetti's."

"Oh, my favorite bakery," Kate says. Carbs have always been her weak spot, but she's blessed with long legs and a fast metabolism and doesn't worry about gaining weight.

"There's lots of food, Katie. I want you to eat up and take home some leftovers. You're much too thin." Kate bites her lip. She doesn't want to argue with her father. Instead she gathers plates from the cupboard and sets the table while he stirs the sauce and pulls the bread from the oven.

"Warmed up and slightly toasty, just as you like it," he says. They sit down to eat and for a moment the conversation is kept to the topic of the food. Kate—for the first time in a long while—is genuinely hungry and savors the meal, reaching for her third slice of bread. Jim is pleased when she scoops more spaghetti onto her plate.

"Katie, I'll make spaghetti for you more often if you promise to eat like this every time." She laughs. "Dad, I'd be the size of a house if I ate like this every time, and then you'd be worried about my health for the opposite reason."

"Well, I just know that I'm happy to see you enjoying a meal for once. I know Rick would be pleased too. He thinks you aren't eating enough and when you do, it's Chinese take-out."

Kate carefully lays her fork on her plate and tries not to give in to the surge of annoyance she immediately feels.

"Dad, are you and Castle having discussions about me?"

"Oh, Katie, don't get all upset. I call him every once in awhile. I like him."

"Uh huh. And I'm sure my name never comes up."

Jim sighs. His daughter has always been very private about her personal life, but before her shooting she talked enough about Rick for him to realize that, boyfriend or no, she cared very much for him. But since the shooting she's been tight-lipped about him and her break-up with Josh. He didn't even know about that until he called Josh to invite them both to dinner and Josh coldly informed him that his daughter apparently prefers writers over cardiac surgeons.

"Rick's a good man. He cares about you. I don't understand why you have such a problem with that."

Kate presses a hand against her forehead. "Dad, I _really_ don't want to discuss this. Not right now. I just—" she flaps her hand in the air, unable to complete her thought. The room is silent for a few minutes then Kate takes a deep breath and starts again.

"I know, Dad. I do. I know…I know how he feels about me. It's just—" Again, she stutters to a halt. Jim watches her with concern. He likes Rick Castle, much more than he'd ever liked that handsome hulk of a doctor. He trusts Rick to take care of his little girl and he would like, more than ever, for her to settle down with someone who will take care of _her_ for once. She's been alone too long, carried the baggage of her mother's murder too long, and he wants her to be happy.

"Katie." Jim takes his daughter's hand. "Honey, I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you. I just think you need to give yourself a chance to be happy."

Kate doesn't say anything. She is overwhelmed by a tide of love for her father and trying not to succumb to the tears in her eyes. She fails as she feels wetness on her cheeks. Her father's face is blurred through her tears as she turns to face him.

"Sometimes I don't think I was meant to be happy."


	3. Chapter 3

Kate's cell phone vibrates and rings, vibrates and rings until one slender arm emerges from beneath the blankets and grabs it. She squints at the display. Esposito calling her at a quarter to five in the morning? Her stomach rolls with dread. This can only mean another pregnant woman is dead.

"Yeah," Kate says. Her voice is clogged with sleep and a headache, born of too much stress, is blooming behind her eyes.

"We got another one," Esposito says. "This one's worse."

Kate throws the blankets aside and slides out of bed, reaching for a pair of jeans.

"What do you mean, worse? How can it be worse?"

Esposito doesn't answer right away. She hears sirens and raised voices, the sounds of an active crime scene. "The baby is dead." He pauses. "The bastard killed it."

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><p>Castle is already at the crime scene when Kate arrives. She stops beside him, her hair pulled up into a messy bun and a scarf wrapped around her neck. It's snowing and windy and her face is already red with the cold. He doesn't want her to see what she has to see; the sight of a woman, throat slashed, her pregnant belly sliced open and the fetus lying in a pool of bloody snow. So much blood. He wishes he could take her away from here and protect her from the ugliness of the world. But this is Detective Kate Beckett, and she's here to do her job.<p>

"It's bad," he says to her. She nods.

"Ryan and Esposito?"

"Talking with the restaurant workers who found the body."

She takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders and walks down the alley towards the bright lights, the uniform police, the area of death sectioned off by yellow police tape. She sees the spreading pool of blood first. Then she sees a shoe and a leg and finally the ugly scene is before her. Kate is shocked by the sight of the lifeless fetus sprawled in the snow, the umbilical cord still stretched to the mother's body. Her stomach twists and she feels bile rise in her throat. The woman's throat is cut so deeply that the head is nearly detached. Her eyes are open and staring sightlessly at Kate.

"Oh, fuck," Kate whispers to herself. "Fuck fuck fuck." She doesn't want to do this anymore. She wants to go back to bed and forget she saw this, forget there are people in the world capable of deeds this evil. She wants to be a child again, innocent and happy. Kate doesn't see Lanie come up behind her and jumps when she hears her voice.

"Hi, girl. Not how you want to start your day."

"No." Kate swallows. "No, it's not. COD?" Although it's fairly apparent what caused their deaths, Kate needs her friend's official ME theory.

Lanie kneels near the woman's body. "Well, the woman's throat was slashed so deep that she was nearly decapitated. The baby," Lanie hesitates. "The baby was cut from the womb and battered…I'd say slammed against the concrete sidewalk."

"Jesus," Ryan says. He crosses himself quickly, barely aware of his motion. "Who the hell does something like that?"

"That's what we have to find out," Kate says crisply, trying to exude the aura of a lead detective who knows exactly what to do. "Lanie, do you have a time of death?"

"Well, it's a little difficult to narrow down a time due to this cold weather, but right now my rough estimate is between 9 p.m. and 2 a.m. I'll be able to give you a better report once I've finished the autopsy."

"I can help you with that," says Esposito. He is walking towards them flipping through his notepad. "The restaurant here closes at 9 p.m. on Sunday. I talked to Gus and Lennie who took out the trash last night around 9:30. She wasn't here then."

Kate nods. "We have an id on the vic?"

"No. No purse, cell phone, nothing," Ryan answers.

"Okay, then. Let's canvas the area, see if anyone knows anything. I'll get a few uniforms to start searching nearby dumpsters and trash cans. We also need to check missing persons reports. Someone is worried about her."

Ryan and Esposito and a group of uniform cops scatter to follow her orders. Kate walks back to where Castle is now standing with two hot cups of coffee. Wordlessly, he hands a steaming Styrofoam cup to her.

"Thanks." She closes her eyes and takes a long gulp, not caring that the coffee is scalding hot. Right now she welcomes the pain. It reminds her that no matter how numb she feels, she is still alive.

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><p>It's 10:30 at night when Castle's phone beeps at him. He is half asleep in his study, his head nodding over his laptop. It's been two days since the fourth body was found and there haven't been many leads. The woman's name was Tina Yolanda and her husband collapsed on the couch in disbelief when Kate notified him that his wife was the latest victim of the "mommy murderer." Castle had been with her and saw how close Kate had come to losing control of herself. When they got back to her car, she brushed aside the tears on her face and turned to glare at Castle as if daring him to comfort her. He didn't. But as the next 48 hours yielded very little information regarding the killer, Kate grew increasingly short-tempered and frustrated. Now his phone is ringing and it's Esposito.<p>

"What's up?" Castle says, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He's working on an outline for the next Nikki Heat novel and he didn't get very far before falling asleep.

"It's Beckett. She's at the precinct staring at the murder board and muttering to herself."

"What? I thought we all left at seven."

"We did. But I couldn't find my cell phone and remembered I'd left it on my desk. When I went back to get it just now, she was there." Esposito pauses. "Bro, she doesn't look good."

"Oh, shit." Castle stands up, stretches. "Did you tell her to go home?"

Esposito snorts. "Yeah, man, of course I did. You know Beckett. No one can tell her anything. I'm worried about her. She looks like hell and she's gonna drop from exhaustion if she doesn't get some sleep. She's not helping herself or the case by obsessing over it."

"So you want me to go get her," Castle guesses. He's already looking for his wallet and thinking he'll call his car service rather than get a taxi.

"Yeah. Our girl listens to two people: you and Montgomery. The captain's not around anymore, so that leaves you."

"Shit," Castle says again. "Okay, I'm going."

"Good luck," Esposito says and hangs up.

Thirty minutes later Castle strides into the precinct. In his haste, he forgot to change out of his pajama bottoms—sleep pants given to him by Alexis a few years ago. The words "#1 Dad!" and "My Dad's Great!" are printed in red and blue on a background of bright yellow flannel. They're not exactly his style, but they are warm and comfortable and Alexis gave them to him. He just wishes he hadn't been wearing them tonight. He doesn't see Kate right away because most of the lights in the room are off, but then he notices a form pacing back and forth in front of the murder boards. Usually just one board, for this case two others have been brought over and lined up. Lots of victims, no suspects.

He stops when he's a few steps away from her. She is so immersed in her own head she does not hear him approach and he doesn't want to startle her. Her normally beautiful wavy chestnut hair looks dull and flat. Her blouse is sloppily tucked into her jeans. She's facing the board with the most recent victim's information, staring at the crime scene photos as if she could get answers by sheer force of will.

"Kate," he says quietly. She doesn't respond.

"Kate," he says more loudly. She gasps and spins toward him.

"What the fuck, Castle, you scared the shit out of me," she snaps at him. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"One could ask you the same question," he says, ignoring her tone. Esposito is right, she doesn't look good. There are dark circles under her eyes and her face is very pale.

"Well," Kate replies, "one _could_ but one _should_ just mind his own _business_." She turns back to the board and tries to ignore him. Castle is tired and not in the mood for her normal "I'm Kate the invincible" routine.

"Would you stop this bullshit?" He lets some of the anger and worry he's feeling into his voice. "It's after eleven. You've been here since at least seven this morning. You're going on maybe, what, eight hours of sleep in two days? Kate, you need to stop. You're wearing yourself out." Kate doesn't acknowledge his words, but he knows she's angry by the stiffness in her shoulders and her clenched fists.

Castle ignores her lack of response and continues. "How will it help the case if you collapse from exhaustion? _And_ low blood sugar because I don't think you're eating either. Kate," Castle puts his hands on shoulders and turns her to face him. He's disturbed by how thin she feels. "You aren't helping these women and their families by running yourself ragged. If you want to help them get justice you need to go home and sleep. And eat a decent meal." He looks into her eyes, expecting her to pull away from him. Instead, he is amazed to see tears fill her eyes and fall unchecked down her face.

"I've tried, Rick," she whispers. "I go home at night and I make dinner—not even leftover Chinese take-out, I swear—and I can't eat. Food makes me nauseous. How can I eat when these women are being murdered? How can I sleep? They are depending on me to find their killer. Their families want justice. But I'm failing them. I don't have any evidence, any leads. How dare I enjoy a good night's rest when every moment that bastard is free another woman's life—and her baby—is at risk?" She's looking up at Castle, pleading with him to understand. His heart twists. He's never loved her more than he does now and he's never wanted to wrap her in his arms and protect her from the world the way he does now.

"Oh, Kate, honey," he says. He pulls her gently towards him and wraps his arms around her shaking body and holds her closely. At first, she resists, but then something breaks inside her and her arms go around him, pulling him even closer to her.

"It's going to be alright, Kate," he murmurs to her, pressing his lips to the top of her head. "I swear I'll make everything alright."

Kate hears him speaking but doesn't listen to the words. His voice is as soothing to her nerves as golden honey with a shot of fine whiskey. It feels so good to be held by him, his strong arms wrapped around her, her head on his chest. She's stopped crying but doesn't want to leave his arms yet. His black sweater is soft on her cheek and whatever cologne he is wearing—maybe it's just Eau de Richard Castle—is making her weak in the knees. Of course, that could be due to her not having eaten since her turkey sandwich hours ago. Finally she sighs and lifts her head, meeting his concerned gaze.

"Better?"

She tries to smile but instead feels herself tear up again. "Damn it, Rick. Stop being so nice to me."

"Never," Castle says and bends his head towards her, his lips brushing her cheek. "I definitely think," he kisses her other cheek, "that it's my job to be nice to you." Now he's looking at her, those blue eyes dark and intent on her. She stares back at him, wondering what it would be like to lose herself in that electric blue gaze while they make love. Just as soon as that thought crosses her mind she blushes and a spark jumps from her to him and she knows she should look away, knows he can guess what she is thinking, but she can't, she's trapped, and his hands tighten on her shoulders as he kisses her, his mouth painfully hard on hers. Kate sighs, reveling in the sensation of being kissed by him again. She slides her hands under his black sweater to explore his muscled back, moaning when his tongue slips into her mouth. Her traitorous body responds to him shamelessly. When he gently bites her left ear and brushes his scruff against her neck, she gasps. Her hands stroke his back then dip beneath the waist of the sleep pants to grasp his firm round butt. He pulls her blouse loose from her jeans and his warm hands slide up her stomach and stop at the edge of her bra. His thumbs stroke her breasts until her nipples are hard and she hears herself saying, "Rick…_Rick,_ _please_" in a voice she doesn't recognize as her own.

Castle isn't sure if she is begging him to stop or continue, but he doesn't think it matters as he isn't in control anymore. Years—_years!_—of wanting this woman, magnified by the passionate love he feels for her, have made this moment inevitable. The sensation of touching her and tasting her and feeling her hands on his body has destroyed his plan to take it slowly with her. His flannel pajama bottoms are in no way disguising how aroused he is and her moaning his name fuels his desire. He reclaims her mouth in another deep kiss and pulls her leg up to his waist and holds it there so he can wedge himself more firmly against her. Kate gasps and rolls her hips against him, feeling a spasm of pleasure as she rubs against his erection. He's moaning too, whispering her name into her ear, his other hand gripping her bottom and guiding her movements. She doesn't care anymore about where they are or trying to hide her feelings for him. She cares only about how good this feels.

Which is when she loses her balance and they both fall backwards, crashing into one of the murder boards. They lie there for a moment, stunned by the fall and still in a sexual stupor. Finally, reluctantly, Kate untangles her legs from his and pulls away from him. They are both breathing hard and Kate's face is flushed. Her blouse is unbuttoned—_when did that happen?_—and she can't look at Castle. He curses quietly and stands up, then offers his hand to Kate.

She lets him pull her up, trying not to look at his face or below his waist where the fabric of his sleep pants is still pulled taunt against what Kate must admit is an impressive erection. She's surprised he hasn't bragged more. She focuses her eyes somewhere mid-chest, which seems fairly safe as long as she doesn't remember how sexy the muscles of his chest and biceps felt when he held her. Her face is red again. She hears Castle clear his throat.

"I hope that wasn't a mistake. But I think that you think that it was."

Kate chances looking at his face. His lips are swollen from their kissing. His eyes are very blue and her caressing hands left his normally well-groomed hair rumpled and chaotic.

She chooses her words carefully. "I would say…bad timing. And location."

"Ah." He pauses. "Would coming back to my loft take care of those problems?"

His loft. She's never seen his bedroom, but she can guess that he probably has a very large, comfortable bed. Kate wants to finish what they've started—does she ever—but sanity is returning. And with sanity comes the memory of the murdered women and her stalled investigation. Not to mention that if she does stay the night with him, she'll have to acknowledge her feelings for him. She isn't ready to do that yet. Or face his mother and daughter the next morning. Oh, no, no. She is _not_ ready for that yet. Kate shakes her head.

Castle sighs. Damn. Of course, seducing her in the precinct was probably the stupidest thing he could have done, but when she's that close to him…. He feels his pulse speed up and his blood is throbbing again. Castle closes his eyes and begins conjugating sentences in his head. _The dog jumps over the log…dog is the subject…over is the preposition…log is the object of the preposition…speaking of log, I have to stop thinking about this because I cannot walk around with a giant hard-on…._

When he opens his eyes Kate is looking at him oddly, her head tilted to one side. Her blouse is buttoned unevenly—the gap is right over her stomach, a stomach with silken, smooth skin, a stomach he stroked while she moaned his name and—

"I have a car waiting outside. Please allow me to take you home," he growls at her. Really, he has to either get away from her or ravish her. His self-control is at a low point right now. Kate seems to understand this because she frowns at him.

"Please allow me to take you to your apartment so you can sleep. Alone," Castle adds.

"Okay." She looks down at the murder board still laying on the floor. "Help me with this." They pull it upright. The pictures are askew and the magic marker writing is blurred in some places, but it's otherwise unharmed.

"Glad we didn't break it," Castle says, then laughs. "Can you imagine what Gates would say?"

Kate flashes him a look.

"What, too soon?"

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><p>In the car, he sits way over on the driver's side and she jams herself against the opposite door, each silently daring the other to breach the emptiness of the black leather seat between them. Ironically, not touching seems to make them even more aware of each other's presence, so much so that Kate can hear him breathing, feel his heart beating and has to sit on her hands to stop her fingers from tip-toeing over to his thigh. The driver, who probably thinks they are both insane, keeps looking in the rearview mirror and chuckling to himself. When the Lincoln pulls up in front of Kate's apartment building, she gets out quickly…then hesitates before walking around the car to Castle's side. He lowers the window.<p>

"Thank you," she says. "For coming to get me and for…well, thank you." His face is scratchy beneath her hand and Kate kisses his mouth softly. She pulls away from him and grins. "By the way, I _love_ your flannel pjs. So sexy." His face relaxes into a smile and she hears his laughter as she walks away from the car.


	4. Chapter 4

The mommy murderer finally makes a mistake. In his arrogance, he taunts the police by sending them a letter. When the lab examines the envelope, a tiny hair with a follicle attached slips out. The lab people rejoice—DNA material! Kate gets a call from Lanie as she is having coffee with her father at a diner near his apartment. It's two days after the hormones-gone-wild incident. Kate tries not to think of it too much because she's embarrassed she made out like a sex-starved teenager (at the precinct! In front of the murder board!) with Castle. The morning after the incident she was pleased to hear Esposito say Castle had called and he wouldn't be coming in due to a previous engagement. The reprieve was short-lived as he came strolling in later that afternoon and surprised her. As soon as she saw his face, the whole heart-pounding-gasping-moaning scene played in her head like a digital high-def movie. He sat down in his usual chair by her desk, winked at her and asked, "So, what's _up?_"

Kate almost threw her coffee cup at him.

Since then they've declared an unspoken truce: Kate won't discuss it and he won't tease her, but he's also not going to let her forget it. However, when she calls him from the diner that afternoon to tell him they have identified the suspect, he is all business.

"Meet at the 12th?" he asks.

"Yeah, I'm on my way there now." She's excited. Finally, they can stop this murdering asshole. Just as she's about to press "end," he says her name.

"Kate."

"Yeah?"

"When this case is over, we're going on a date."

Kate is silent. She's aware of her father listening and chooses her words carefully.

"You think so?"

"And at the conclusion of this date, I'm going to take you back to your apartment, pull off your clothes and kiss every inch of your delicious body until you beg me to make love to you."

Jesus. What is she supposed to say to that with her father sitting across from her? It's bad enough that her nipples are hard and the memory of his erection pressing against her is sending little shivers through her body; clever innuendo is beyond her right now.

She responds weakly with, "Um, okay. I guess that's a plan" which she says in a breathy, throaty voice, not what she had intended.

Castle says, "Yeah, I like it," and hangs up. He sounds a little out of breath too.

"Plans with Rick?" Jim asks. He's amused. His daughter's face is red and she won't look at him. Grown-up children. They think they discovered sex, conveniently forgetting how they came into the world.

"Um, yes. I mean no. I mean, I have to go." Kate gets up from the table quickly, "Murderers to catch and all that. Love you. I'll call you." She bends down and kisses his cheek and sprints from the restaurant.

Jim watches his daughter go, smiles, and orders a piece of cake from the waitress. He thinks he should celebrate.

* * *

><p>Their suspect's name is Boyd White and his current address puts him near a women's hospital, close to many of the crime scenes. Kate leads the way up the building's staircase. Esposito and Ryan flank her, guns drawn. Uniform cops surround the building's exits just in case the suspect makes a run for it. Castle is sitting in Kate's car, fuming.<p>

Kate knocks on the suspect's door. "Boyd White. This is the police. Open up." No response. They've been watching his apartment all day, so they know he's there. Kate knocks again, but when there's still no response she kicks in the door. It crashes open at her first attempt. Once inside, they fan out, cautiously looking around doors for their prey. The lights are off, but enough moonlight floods the room for them to see. The apartment is a cluttered mess; remains of fast food wrappers and newspapers and clothes are strewn about the floor. Kate carefully enters what looks like the bedroom. She looks around the corner, sees nothing and proceeds into the room—and is rushed by the suspect. Later, when questioned by Capt. Gates, she honestly can't remember anything except seeing the deadly sharp knife in his hands. There's a wild screaming laugh and before she can shout out a warning and fire her gun, the knife slashes at her again and again. Her shot goes wild and the man laughs and pulls up his knife for another swing.

"Drop it, you piece of shit," Ryan orders. He is calmly aiming at Boyd White. White shrieks again and races toward him. Ryan stands his ground and fires until the suspect slumps to the ground. There's a moment of quiet, then chaos erupts as Esposito and the uniform cops race into the room.

"Beckett's hurt," Ryan says. He has his arm around her shoulders. Kate blinks at him. "I'm fine. He barely touched me…." She passes out, blood dripping in a steady stream from the slashes on her arms.

Esposito is yelling into his walkie-talkie, calling for a bus. One of the uniforms kneels down and checks the suspect's pulse. "Dead," he announces.

"Good riddance," Esposito mutters. "How is she?"

Ryan lowers Kate's unconscious body to the floor and grabs the towels another cop brought him from the suspect's bathroom. Ryan wraps Kate's arms, trying to staunch the blood flow.

"Unconscious," Ryan answers. He just killed a man, the first time in his life he's used deadly force, but he can't think about that right now. Beckett's on the floor dripping blood and he's having a moment of déjà vu except he's holding her instead of Castle.

Castle.

"Christ. Don't let Castle up here," Ryan yells. "If he sees her like this again…"

Too late. They hear Castle yelling at the uniforms guarding the entrance and then he rushes into the room.

"I heard gun fire, what's…" his voice trails off when he sees Kate on the floor. Castle drops to the floor next to her. _Not again_, he thinks. _Please, please not again._

"She's going to be okay," Ryan says. "The perp got her with his knife and she passed out." Castle nods as if he understands but he's cupping her pale face with a shaking hand.

"Bro, she's gonna be fine," Esposito repeats. He claps a hand on Castle's shoulder. Kate opens her eyes and sees them bending over her. "What happened? Why is everyone looking at me?" She struggles to get up and both Castle and Ryan hold her down.

"Kate, you're hurt. Don't move," Castle says.

She looks at the towels wrapped around her arms and stained pink with her blood.

"Ah." She looks up at Castle. "Rain check on the date and the begging?"

Castle smiles at her. "Rain check."


	5. Chapter 5

"You know, this is really becoming a bad habit," Lanie says to Kate. The hospital kept her overnight and is just now releasing her. Her cuts aren't deep but lab reports reveal she is anemic, thus the fainting. Capt. Gates is forcing her to take a week of injury leave to recoup and "eat something, dammit. I can't have my detectives fainting on the job."

"Well, I wasn't really thrilled to back here either, you know." Kate says. "Even though I was hoping to score a lot more flowers this time."

Lanie rolls her eyes and throws a pillow at her. "Remember what the doctor said. Just take it easy for the next few days. Don't investigate anything."

"Me, relax? Who do you think you're talking to?" Kate laughs but she is secretly a little worried. Relaxing isn't something she does easily.

"Well, I'm sure that if you call up Castle he will find many, many ways to help you relax." Lanie grins at her.

It's on the tip of her tongue to confess to Lanie that she and Castle were supposed to be on a date last night "relaxing" until the suspect slashed Kate's arms. If the date had gone as planned, she'd probably be in his kitchen eating "thank you _so much_ for last night" pancakes.

"I can imagine what Castle will plan for my R & R if I let him," Kate comments. She's going to keep the shift in their relationship to herself for awhile.

"Oh, I'm sure you have," Lanie teases her. "How you can resist that sizzling hot man is beyond me."

"Yeah, well," Kate grumbles. Now that she's had a taste of Castle loving, she can't understand that either. She looks at her bandaged arms with irritation. "I can't believe I have to wait for a nurse to wheel me out of here. I wish they'd hurry up. I could kill for some pizza."

* * *

><p>It's been two days and Kate has given up on relaxing. She and Castle postponed their date until this weekend, but now she's not so sure about it. She's had time to reflect (and has been away from Castle's stimulating physical presence) for a few days, so she's thinking maybe she and Castle getting together right now is not a good idea. She just cleared a case that's been kicking her ass—hell, the whole precinct's ass—for months, and now she has time to breathe and take a fresh look at her mother's murder and her shooting. Kate has her notes spread all over the kitchen table. What she really needs is a murder board at home. She re-reads her interview notes. Who would have enough power to pull all these strings? Then she remembers something Roy said to her before Castle picked her up and bodily removed her from the hangar. He said that somehow the man in charge had found out what he, McCallister and Raglan had done, how they had shot the undercover agent and blamed Pulgotti for it. He used that knowledge "to become what he is today." This mysterious "he" would have been involved in law enforcement somewhere. He must have been in the hierarchy of power…police commissioner? D.A.? And since he is willing to murder several people, including police officers, to keep this information hidden, he has to be in an even higher position of power, someone who is vulnerable to exposure. Kate feels an inkling of hope. Maybe the answer is as simple as that: make a list of men who held positions of authority in the city's police department and justice system nineteen, twenty years ago and see where those same people are today—follow their career paths. Kate sweeps all her notes into an untidy pile and looks around for her phone. She knows who to call, someone who will be just as excited as she is to explore this theory: Castle.<p>

* * *

><p>When Kate showed up at his door, grinning and waving a folder she had clenched her fist, Castle was not thrilled. Alexis and Martha were in the living room talking celebrity fashion ("Darling, did you see what she had on? It was the red carpet, not a trip to the dentist. What was her stylist <em>thinking?<em>"), so he pulled Kate into his study. Now he's staring down at her head as she reads her notes to him. He's irritated and frustrated because the theory she is now excitedly explaining to him is the same idea he hit upon a few weeks ago and is in the process of investigating.

"…so I think we need to investigate local politicians. I mean, who has cash? Politicians. Who would have the power to cover this up? A politician. Who has a lot to lose? A politician." Kate looks up at him, her eyes shining. "Tell me I'm wrong."

"Kate…" Castle sighs. He knew this day would come, when she would pick up the investigation again and he would have to sidetrack her or come clean with what he knows. "You're supposed to be resting. Look at your arms. You still look like you're wearing mummy wrappings." Kate looks at her arms, bare except for the thick white bandages wrapped around them.

"So what? It doesn't hurt my arms to use my brain."

"And we have a date Saturday." He cups her face in his hands and pulls her to him. She goes to him willingly, even though a tiny crease is forming between her brows. He kisses her gently until she bites his bottom lip and he groans, his hands moving from her face to her waist and sliding around until he is grasping her jeans-encased ass.

There's a knock on the door and Alexis sticks her head around the corner.

"Hey, Dad, can I—oh, gross!" Alexis makes a gagging sound and shuts the door quickly. Kate breaks off the kiss and takes a step away from him, her heart pounding. As always, his kisses make every nerve in her body jump and shout, but something's not right.

"Funny, I didn't think that was gross, did you?" Castle is smiling at her, his hands around her waist.

"Rick." She's not smiling. "Why are you trying to distract me?"

Shit. Castle knew it wouldn't work, but he figured he'd try. If he confesses what he knows, she may never speak to him again. Either way, he's going to lose this battle. He pulls her towards him and tries to kiss her again. She breaks free and steps around his desk until it's between them.

"You don't want me to check into this, do you? I mean, this is a perfectly good theory and you don't want me to follow it up."

"It is a good theory. I just thought that you were going to let it alone for awhile. Heal up. Tackle it when you are ready."

Kate can't believe this. "I _have_ left it alone. For months! Meanwhile, the man who shot me is still on the loose. The man who paid to have my mother killed—and paid to have me killed—is still out there. How long should I let this go? Until he decides to come after me again because I'm a loose thread? I can't live with that. And I _won't_ live with the idea of that bastard thinking he's won, that's he's gonna get away scot-free. I can't!" She walks around the desk and takes his hands in hers and looks into his eyes. "Why can't you see this? Why don't you want to help me? I've told you that I can't get on with my life until I've settled this, and I do want to move on, I want to be with you." She can't believe she said that, but she means it. She repeats it again, still surprised. "I want to have a life with you."

Castle grasps her hands tightly. "Kate, if you pursue this, we won't have a life together. I'll be alive and you'll be dead and I'll be miserable. Please, just stop."

"How do you know that? You can't know that. We could find him first, punish him, and then I'll never be in danger from him again."

"Goddammit, Kate. I know. _I know_. If you pursue this, you're dead. If you let it go, you'll live. That's the agreement." As soon as Castle utters those words, he knows it's over. Kate looks into his eyes, shocked. She pulls her hands from his and takes a step back.

"Agreement? What agreement? What the hell are you talking about?"

Castle takes a deep breath. "A man called me about a month after you'd been shot. Said he was friend of Montgomery's, that he owes his life to him. Before his death, Montgomery mailed him…certain information. This information was used to keep Montgomery and his family safe. Now that he's dead, the information is being used as a guarantee of your safety."

"What man? What information?" She is stunned to hear this.

"Kate, I don't know. He wasn't exactly chatty. He said that he had contacted the necessary…people…and that as long as you stopped investigating, you'd be safe. But if you persisted…" Castle let his sentence trail off into silence.

Kate looks past Castle and finishes the thought for him. "I'm dead."

Castle just looks at her.

She's angry now. "So I'm supposed to roll over and _play_ dead to avoid _being_ dead."

"No. I've been investigating on my own. That theory you came to me with? I'm already working on it. If I find anything, I'll tell you."

"I don't believe you," Kate says. Her hazel eyes are hard and bitter. "You kept the phone call from me. You kept this agreement from me. You're investigating on your own. Don't you think I want to help? What, were you just going to serve the bad guys up to me on a platter?"

Castle is silent. She's not going to listen to anything he says now. He feels as if they are back to square one, back before Montgomery was shot, back before she was shot. She's still just as obsessed as she had always been. And here he thought he could sway her. What a fool he was to think that.

"Nothing to say? You know, Castle, it's not like they have a personal vendetta against me. They will kill anyone who stirs up the dirt. _Anyone_. That includes you. So why is it okay for you to risk your life, but not for me to decide to risk my own?"

"They expect you to check into it. Not me. I can be more detached, look at the information with a cooler head—"

"Oh, so now you're the better detective? You, the mystery writer." Kate laughs meanly. "Well, thank you, Mr. Richard Castle, for taking over and directing my life for me. I've been waiting for someone to do that and now here you are!"

"Kate." Castle takes a few quick steps towards her and grabs her by the shoulders. "Stop it. I care about you. I only want to help. If you'd stop being so damn pig-headed and calm down and _listen_ _to me—"_

She pulls away from him. "Don't touch me." She wipes a hand across her eyes and Castle sees she is crying. "I need to think about this." Kate stops. "I don't know how to feel about this. Or us." She picks up the folder. "I need to not see you for a few days. I'll call you when I'm ready to talk."

"Come on, Kate, don't leave like this. Don't do this again," Castle says. He stands in front of the study door and blocks her. "Let's go out Saturday, have a nice evening, and see where things are then."

"Get the hell out of my way."

He knows by the look on her face she won't listen to reason so he moves.

She storms out of the loft, ignoring greetings by Alexis and his mother.

"Well." Martha looks at her son. "That took a turn for the worse."

"She is the most goddamn difficult woman—" Castle slams the study door behind him.

Martha looks at Alexis. "Remember this Alexis: love is not always a smooth and shiny path."

"Oh, I already know that." Alexis laughs. "And he thought _Mom_ was a pain in the ass. He spends way more time being pissed at Beckett than he did her."

"Well, dear, your lovely mother is just crazy. Beckett is challenging on a whole other level."

"I'll say."


	6. Chapter 6

Kate Beckett digs her toes into the sand and looks out into the ocean. The sun is starting to set, it's sixty-seven degrees, and she's in paradise. Well, except for the confused angry thoughts bouncing around inside her skull. Twenty-four hours ago she was in Manhattan, angry, depressed and watching sleet hit her living room window. Now she's standing on a beach, still angry and depressed, but at least the weather is better. After her fight with Castle, she placed an emergency call to Madison, her friend since forever, and was invited out to South Carolina to stay with Madison and her husband at their condo on the Isle of Palms.

"Well, Becks, it's not really bathing suit weather, but it's sunny and the view is to die for," Maddie told her over the phone.

So here she is, a world away from Castle and just as miserable. She doesn't know what to do. Castle's admission that he has information she doesn't and has been working on her mother's case without her feels like betrayal. But hidden behind her outrage and feelings of betrayal is exhaustion. She is getting tired of it, the hunt for the mysterious man, the web of conspiracies, having to be on high alert because she knows eventually someone will kill her if she asks too many questions. Then again, how can she simply let it go? She chose her career based on her desperate need to solve her mother's case. She's shaped her whole life around it. If she gives this up, what does she have to show for her efforts? Several dead men, two scars and the loss of her mentor and good friend. How can she stop before she finds the truth? Doesn't she want justice? What will her life be like if she isn't searching for these answers?

"Hey, Becks." Kate brushes the tears from her cheeks and turns around. Madison is plodding through the sand towards her. "Hey, dinner's about ready if you want to come in…are you crying?"

Kate laughs. "Me? Never." Madison peers closely at her face, pushing her blond hair out of her eyes. "Becks, I don't know what's going on with you, but I do know it's serious enough for you to spend a fortune on a plane ticket down here. Evan knows we need some girl time so he's going to disappear into the study after dinner and let us talk."

"C'mon." Madison puts an arm around Kate's shoulders and hugs her. "I know you're not a foodie, but you are going to _love_ what I've made for dinner. Plus I've got some great wine. So let's eat, get slightly buzzed, and fix whatever ails you."

"Really? Dinner will fix what ails me?" Kate is amused.

"You'd be amazed at what a fine risotto can do for you."

* * *

><p>Kate watches Madison and Evan clean up the dinner plates with some bemusement. They work well together, joking with each other, exchanging affectionate looks and Kate can't believe this is the same friend who was so gung-ho about her restaurant business. Not long after Kate had to almost arrest her for the murder of her star chef Balthazar Wolf, Madison met Evan at some foodie extravaganza, married him and now they have a six month old daughter and a condo in South Carolina. Kate's amazed at how much she's changed.<p>

Dinner dishes cleared away, Evan builds a fire in the fireplace, brings out a bottle of wine and two glasses, smiles at them, and leaves.

"I'm jealous," Kate says. "Evan's wonderful."

"He is, isn't he?" Madison smiles. "But you didn't come here to hear about my marital bliss. What's up with you, Becks? Why aren't you having your own marital bliss?"

Kate rolls her eyes. "I'm so far away from marital bliss it isn't funny."

"Why? What's going on with you? You've had more than your share of men in your life…what about the heart surgeon?"

"Um…that didn't work out." Kate takes a quick sip of her wine.

"Let me guess…a certain writer is still hanging around?" As usual, Madison gets right to the point.

"Yes, a certain writer is still hanging around. He's sorta why I'm having this crisis." Kate laughs a little bitterly and refills her glass. "In fact, he's _exactly_ why I'm here. I should bill him for my plane ticket."

"I'm intrigued. Tell me everything."

Kate leans back into the couch, takes a deep breath, and begins. She tells Maddie about her mother's investigation, all of it, not just the few details she'd given her in the past. She tells her about Raglan and McCallister and the death of Roy Montgomery. More hesitantly, she tells her about Castle, how he put himself in the path of a bullet to try to save her, how he confessed his love for her and how she lied about remembering it and lastly about her fight with him. When she finally finishes, she reaches for the bottle again, surprised to find it half gone and her head buzzing.

Madison remains quiet the entire time her friend talks, giving Kate her complete attention. When Kate's voice falters and stops, she sighs and takes the bottle from Kate and refills her glass.

"So, just to make sure I got this right, I'm going to recap. One," Madison ticks off the points on her fingers, "there's a conspiracy of some sort surrounding your mother's death. Two, if you continue to poke around, you'll be killed. Three, Rick told you he loves you, tried to take a bullet for you, and is continuing to protect you by working on the investigation himself. Four, you're lying to him about what you remember, and on top of that told him that you can't be with him until you solve your mother's death. Finally, you're pissed at him because of item number three."

Kate nods. "Yeah, more or less."

"You know I love you, right?" Kate nods, slightly embarrassed. She doesn't usually acknowledge her deepest feelings to her friends.

"Okay, just so you know I say this with love and concern." Madison puts down her glass and takes Kate's hand in hers. "Becks, you are a complete and total moron."

"What? Maddie, really, I don't need to be insulted." Kate's pissed and starts to get off the couch. Madison grabs her arm.

"Kate, sit down. You flew all the way here for my advice and I'm going to give it to you. If you don't like it, fine, but you need to listen." Kate sits down stiffly, determined not to like anything her friend has to say.

"You know, when we ran into each other a few years ago because of Wolf's murder, I was so happy to see you. And I had a feeling—no matter what you said—that you and Rick had something going on. Maybe neither of you saw it, but I knew it and I was happy for you. Ever since your mother's death you'd put up a wall around yourself and didn't let anyone in. But I could see that Rick was different, that you _were_ letting him, even if just a little. And despite the mountains of bullshit he's had to climb to be with you, he's still around. That's amazing. Now you tell me that he loves you, and—even though you haven't said it—I'm sure you must love him too otherwise you would have kicked him to the curb long ago. So what do you do?" Madison's voice is louder. She's just as pissed at Kate as Kate is at her. Despite her anger, Kate is listening and annoyed that she's making sense.

"You tell this lovely, caring, _patient_ man (not to mention sexy, funny, intelligent and _rich_) you aren't ready yet. You need to solve your mother's murder first. What the hell, Kate. Have you lost your mind?" Maddie's tone provokes Kate into breaking her silence.

"Hey! We did have a date planned." Kate is on the defensive but she can't figure out why because her head is heavy and thick from too much wine.

"Well, aren't you so damned gracious? Throwing the guy a bone: okay, we can date, but I can't promise anything because I pretty much stopped living my life when my mother died." Maddie pauses. "Kate, you need to get over it."

Kate gasps, outraged. "Get over it? My mother _was murdered_. I was shot. Roy was killed. It's not a simple matter of _getting over it_."

"Why isn't it? Bad things happen, Kate. To everyone at some point. But you've used this one very bad thing to hide behind, to use as a shield to protect you from life, from pursuing what you want, from love. You need to _move on_. Was your mother's murder terrible? Yes, it was. But look what's come of your poking around. Lots of dead people. Almost your death. And what about Rick? He's investigating this because he loves you—he wants justice for you. What if these people kill him? How will you feel?"

Kate is silent. She knows how she will feel.

"Look, Becks." Madison leans over and smooths Kate's hair from her face. "You are so set on this course you're blind to the consequences. You could be murdered. Rick could be murdered. And what about Roy? You want to protect his family and his reputation by hiding his involvement. Don't you think that will come out if you find this man, your mysterious 'dragon'?"

"I…we never thought about that," Kate confesses. "I'm surprised Castle didn't see that."

"Becks, honey, he's not exactly impartial. He may think he's more detached, but he's not. He loves you and that makes him just as involved as you."

Kate is silent, thinking about what Madison said when a shriek erupts from the cradle at the end of the couch.

"Oops, someone's hungry." Maddie picks up Sophia and disappears into the kitchen. Kate stirs the fire with the poker, exhausted. The wine buzz is gone, leaving her with a headache. She wanted an ally, someone to back her up, and instead Madison kicked her in the ass with clear-headed logic.

Madison returns to the couch with a warm bottle. "Sorry. I fed her right after dinner, but I've learned it's best to not argue with hungry babies."

"No, that's okay…can I feed her?" Kate hasn't held a baby in a long time and Sophia, despite her hungry squawking, is red-cheeked and cute and Kate is suddenly overwhelmed with the need to hold her. _Oh my god_, she thinks. _It's finally happened. The I-want-a-baby phase_.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I want to get to know your little Sophia."

"Okaaaay..." Madison drapes a towel over Kate's shoulder and hands over her daughter. There's a moment of awkwardness as Kate shifts her arms and hands to conform to the baby, but finally the bottle is at the right angle and she's cupping Sophia's fuzzy head and looking down in surprise as the baby drinks greedily, not all concerned with being held by a neophyte.

"Wow." Kate smells the baby's soft hair and is a little shaken by a feeling of longing that comes over her. "I forgot how nice babies are."

"Well, they aren't so nice at three in the morning when they're screaming and all you want to do is sleep. But otherwise…" Madison smiles at her friend. "I was right, wasn't I? You _do_ want to make little Castle babies."

Kate shoots her friend a look. "I refuse to admit to that. Although…" she hesitates, looking down at the baby resting comfortably in her arms. "I _am_ curious as to what a mini-Richard Castle would be like. Probably lots of trouble."

"And just as charming and adorable as his dad."

"Well, that's inevitable."

"You know, Kate, it's not as if Evan and Sophia miraculously landed in my lap. I had to decide on the direction of my life. I love the restaurant business, but when I met Evan, my priorities changed. So I did what a lot of career women do—I hired an excellent manager and split my time between my family and Q3. That's a decision you have to make too."

"Split my time between investigating my mother's death and being a good wife and mother?" Kate laughs at the idea.

"No, you have to decide whether to keep looking for the man who is responsible for your mother's death—and deal with the consequences of that—or have a life which may include being a wife and mother."

"Weeelll, I think we're putting the cart before the horse. Counting the eggs before they've hatched. Pick your metaphor."

"Maybe. But you'll never have a family—with Rick or anyone else—unless you let go of the past. Seriously, Kate, how long do you think Rick will wait for you? Another year? Two? You don't want to look around one day and discover he's gone. I mean, you killed the man who murdered your mother. Can't that be enough?"

Kate looks down at the baby in her arms. "I don't know. It wasn't before, but maybe now it is."

* * *

><p>Two days later Kate is packing her overnight bag when her phone rings. She looks at the display. Uh, oh. Dad. She didn't call him before she left town. She taps the "answer" icon.<p>

"Uh, hi, Dad."

"Katie, where the hell are you? I call your apartment, no one answers. I call your cell, I get your voice mail. I call the precinct and all they can tell me is that you're still on injury leave. Finally I call Rick and he tells me that you stormed out of his loft four days ago and he hasn't heard from you since." His voice is strained with worry and anger.

"I know, I'm sorry, my battery was dead and I didn't notice until last night and I just finally charged it and I know I should have called—"

"Katie, you can't drop out of sight like this. Considering the circumstances. You have to let _someone_ know where you are."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I had to get away for a few days. Clear my head."

"Because you and Rick fought?"

"Because of a lot of things." She folds a pair of jeans and puts them in the bag. "I'm in South Carolina, visiting my friend Maddie. Remember her? She's married now and has a baby."

"Uh huh."

"Look, my flight leaves in a few hours. I'll be home tonight. Come over, we'll talk about what a bad daughter I am."

Her father makes a sound that may have been a laugh. "No, you'll be tired. Just _please_ call me when you get in, okay?"

"Okay. I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, Katie. I have to. You're a pain in the ass, but you're _my_ pain in the ass."

"Yes, I'll add that to the list of compliments I've received this weekend. Pain the ass _and_ moron."

"Well, if you don't call Rick and tell him you're safe, add cruel and insensitive to that list."

"I'll call him as soon as you hang up." When she finishes speaking, he hangs up. Kate smiles. Good ole Dad. He's never been one to interfere with her relationships, but he'd have her married off to Castle by now if he could manage it.

Castle. She takes a deep breath, knowing this call is going to be one of the most difficult calls she's ever placed. She's rehearsed the speech in her head about a million times, but she knows that when he answers the phone she'll probably lose all courage…which is why she wrote out talking points and is staring at the paper right now. _Okay, it's now or never_, she tells herself. Ringing…ringing…ringing.

"Hey, it's Rick Castle. Say what ya gotta say."

Crap! Voice mail. Kate panics and hangs up. He _always_ answers his phone. She hates leaving messages, especially emotional "I'm sorry I was such a bitch" apology messages. Maybe he didn't get to the phone in time? She dials again and again gets his voice mail. She decides to leave a message.

"Uh, hi. I never get your voice mail. I mean, you always pick up so I don't know if you are avoiding me—which, you know, I can understand—or maybe you can't find your phone or maybe the battery is dead. Who knows. Oh, um, this is Kate. But you probably know that. Or maybe you don't. I guess I shouldn't assume that you would…okay, um, I wanted to say, first, I'm okay. I went to visit a friend in South Carolina. I'm flying back tonight. Second…I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. You were right and I was wrong. Well, mostly you were right. I mean, you still should have told me about this man calling you, but…I'm totally screwing up this apology. I have it written down—can you believe that? I wrote a script to follow so I wouldn't sound like an idiot, and here I am, sounding like an idiot. God, I _hate_ leaving messages. Okay, look, I've thought a lot about us and my mother's investigation and I'm just…" Kate is crying. She's horrified. An embarrassing emotional break-down was not part of the plan. Maybe he won't be able to tell. "I don't want to put my life on hold anymore. If you aren't too pissed at me or sick of me, I'd still like to have that date…and I think I've embarrassed myself enough now. Bye."

Kate throws herself down on the bed. Great, great message. Being in love has turned her brain into mush and her normal unwavering self-confidence into a jelly-like substance. Madison walks into the room to see her friend lying on the bed, a pillow over her face.

"Problems?"

Kate moves the pillow from her red swollen eyes. "If being in love doesn't turn out to be more fun than this, I'm going to swear it off completely."


	7. Chapter 7

Kate is nervous. Rather than trust herself to talk to Castle or god forbid leave another message, she texted him the next morning asking him to meet her so they could talk. He got back to her within minutes: where & when? 1030 2day ok? she texted back. At Café Royale? Fine, he replied. I'll be there.

Now she's standing in front of her bedroom's full-length mirror looking at herself from as many angles as possible. If it weren't two days before Christmas and freezing out, she'd wear something short and tight, something to make his blood boil. So she's decided if it can't be short, it can be clingy and bought a cream-colored soft wool dress. A wide red leather belt gives her a splash of color. She zips up her mid-calf black leather boots and inspects the ensemble in the mirror. She looks good, better than she's looked in a long time. Of course, if he isn't interested anymore, then it won't matter how good she looks. He didn't call her back last night even though he must have heard her ridiculous message by then. But he's agreed to meet her so maybe he is willing to give her another chance…ahhh. _Shut up, Kate_, she tells herself. _Stop obsessing_. She makes a face in the mirror, grabs her coat and walks out the door.

She meant to be early so she could be sitting at a table calmly drinking coffee when he walked through the door. She didn't want to look rushed or emotional or nervous. Instead, late morning Manhattan traffic conspired against her. The car in front of her cab stalled and wouldn't start. A bike messenger swerved in front of a UPS delivery truck, causing the truck to slam on the brakes and her cab to come within inches of rear-ending it. By the time she arrives, she's ten minutes late and flustered. And of course _he's_ the one sitting at the table calmly drinking a cup of coffee when she rushes in.

"Sorry," she says, taking off her coat and dropping it over the back of a chair. "A bike messenger with a death wish delayed me."

He arches an eyebrow at her. "I've lived in the city most of my life, Kate. I know about traffic." Castle's blue eyes appraise her coolly. "You look good."

"Oh, thanks. So do you." He did look fine. The dark blue of his shirt makes his eyes look impossibly blue and he has the faintest hint of scruff on his jaw. Kate remembers the last time she felt that scruff on her face and neck as he kissed her and she looks down at her hands so he can't sense what she is thinking. Castle signals the waiter over and orders her a cup of coffee.

"Sooooo," he says. "You called this meeting."

"Yes, I did." Kate looks into his eyes and mentally grabs hold of her courage. She's never been good at apologizing. "Rick, I'm sorry. I thought, with all my therapy, that I'd come to some sort of…resolution…regarding the whole investigation. I thought I could get back into it, and still try to have a life. But then you told me about…well, you were there." She's hoping to get some sort of sign from him revealing what he's thinking, but his poker face is on firmly. She sighs. "I said a lot of things I regret. You're just trying to protect me and I flipped out."

"Yes, you did." Castle says. "It was as if Montgomery's death and your being shot didn't even happen."

Kate shakes her head. "No. I mean, that's what it may have looked like, but I knew I was overreacting and I needed to get some distance...so I flew to Charleston to visit a friend."

"And what sage advice did this friend give you?"

Kate smiles at the memory of Maddie's succinct comment. "She told me that I am, quote 'a complete and total moron.'"

Castle is surprised to find himself laughing. He expected to be angry and exasperated but he's not. Maybe—just maybe—the crack in her bull-headedness that he heard in her message last night is real. "I bet that went over well. Is there a crime scene in Charleston I should notify the local P.D. about?"

Kate laughs with him, shaking her head, relieved that his stone face has finally broken. "No, no. I was really pissed though. But she refused to let me shut her out and—well, she put things in perspective for me."

"Wow. I'm impressed. I must meet this friend with the super powers." Castle _is_ impressed. Someone who can make Kate Beckett sit down, shut up _and_ listen?

"Oh, you've already met her." Kate grins at him. "Do you remember Maddie? She owns Q3."

"Maddie?" Castle is surprised. He hasn't heard her name in a long time. When he thinks of her, he remembers delicious food and her accusing Kate of being hot for him. A smile curves his lips. "Madison. So she helped clear your head?"

"Weell…yes and I realized—" Crap. She's going to have to say the words outloud. Kate wants to touch him, but she's not sure if he's completely forgiven her. She squares her shoulders and looks into his blue eyes. "I don't want to die because of this. I don't want _you_ to die. You told me once that I was afraid to be happy, afraid to live my life." She hesitates, then reaches across the table and touches his hand. "I don't want to be afraid anymore."

Castle looks at her, his expression unreadable. He brings her hand to his lips and kisses her palm. Tiny electric shocks shoot up her arm and spread through her body. Kate shivers, unable to look away. She's drowning in his eyes until he finally looks away, pulls out his wallet and drops a twenty on the table.

"Let's go." He pulls her up and helps her into her coat. It's starting to snow; big fat flakes are falling from the sky.

Kate looks up. "Wow. The first good snow of the season."

Castle looks at Kate. Snowflakes already lightly coat her chestnut hair and are melting on her lips. Her hazel eyes are happy and clear of doubt and worry and he feels the love he has for her overwhelm him. If she is serious about giving up her investigation—and Castle thinks she is—they may finally have a chance to be happy together. Unable to help himself, he pulls her into his arms and holds her close.

"Kate, I love you."

She's silent for a moment, not wanting to destroy the happiness she's feeling by being back in his arms. But if they are going to do this, she wants to start fresh with total honesty. She pulls back and looks into his eyes.

"I know. I've known for awhile."

"Am I that obvious?"

Kate smiles. "Yes and no. But that's not what I mean. I've known since…" she hesitates, knowing her honesty could wreck their happiness. "I heard you. When you told me the first time." She watches as the happiness leaves his face, replaced by hurt and confusion.

"You heard me? But you said—oh, you lied." Castle's voice is cold as realization hits him.

"Rick, please listen…but not here." The sidewalk is getting busy with lunch time traffic and pedestrians are walking around them. She pulls him across the street to a small park. They take shelter from the steadily falling snow by standing under a pine tree.

Kate turns to face him. "I did lie to you. About not remembering. I remember everything. I remember what you said to me, right after I'd been shot. You told me," she pauses. "You told me not to leave you and you said, 'Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate.'"

Castle is silent, his poker face back in place. Kate places her hands on his black coat, griping the lapels and shaking them a bit. "Don't do that. Don't freeze up on me. Please try to understand. It's not that I didn't know how I felt or that I wasn't happy to hear you say it. I just…I had to sort some things out. And there was still Josh."

Castle reaches out and tilts her chin towards him. "So how _do_ you feel?"

"I love you," she says as if it should be obvious. "I'm scared."

"Well." Castle pulls her to him. "Then we can be scared together." He bends his head, his warm mouth covering hers. Kate rises on her toes and wraps her arms around his neck, burying her hands in his thick brown hair. The tree behind her is suddenly digging into her back as Castle pushes his warm body hard against hers. She murmurs his name into his open mouth as his hands slide under her coat and stroke the curves of her waist and hip. Her hands are under his heavy coat but he's wearing too many clothes and she can't get his shirt out of his jeans to touch his skin. Castle doesn't have that problem. His hands move lower, pulling up the hem of her obliging dress until she can feel his fingers stroking her inner thigh, lighting fires that burn through her black tights and she gasps and wishes she hadn't put them on this morning but his fingers are so hot she'll be able to feel him anyway and if he just slides his thumb up another _few inches_—

"That must be one helluva string of mistletoe hanging above you two," a voice choked with laughter comments. There's a moment in which they both ignore the speaker, but he must have smacked Castle on the back because Castle loosens his hold on her, straightens her dress and turns around to face his attacker. It's a mounted police officer looking down at them with a knowing grin. The horse looks amused too.

Castle shakes his head, trying to clear the lust from his brain. Kate discretely buttons up her coat and belts it tightly. She's trying not to look at anyone, her face red from embarrassment at what they were doing—and what they almost did—and wishing she could teleport them immediately back to the bed in her apartment.

The officer continues. "I mean, I know it's the season of love and joy, but you can't get your jingle bells on out here in a public place. It's a park for chrissake. Kids play here."

"Officer, we apologize. Uh…we were swept up in the moment," Castle says.

"Yeah, well, go get 'swept up' somewhere else. There're about twenty hotels in the two mile radius. Plenty of places for you to get your rump-pa-pum going with the little drummer girl here. Got it?"

"Yes, officer. Got it." Kate can't see Castle's face, but she knows he is trying not to laugh.

The officer flicks his reins and turns the horse away from them. "Have a joyful night, now." He waves and trots down the street.

"Oh my god," Kate says. "How embarrassing. Can you imagine if he had fined us? I'm a homicide detective for crying out loud!"

Castle lets his giggles out. "I've never heard anyone turn Christmas carols into sexual innuendos. Wonderful. I need to use those in a book some day." He doubles over, laughing. Kate eyes him. She just admitted she loved him, they were practically vertical sexing, and now he's laughing his ass off over some bad Christmas-themed puns. She sighs. Attention span of a cocker spaniel.

"Rick," she says. She wants to drag him onto the nearest bed, but the more he laughs the more she loses the mood.

"Yeah, okay. Let's go back to the loft. I'll make you some cocoa and then we can lock ourselves into my study and make-out like crazy teenagers." He grins that patented, sexy, funny Castle grin. "I don't like to leave a job unfinished."

"Uh huh." Kate's body is still tingling and she very much wants to help him complete this particular "job."

The snow is falling thick and fast now and several cabs drive by them.

"I don't think they can see us through the snow."

"Let me," she says. Kate pulls up her skirt, sticks a leg out and within thirty seconds a cab screeches to a halt in front of them.

"Yet another reason to love you," Castle says as they get in the back seat. "Your long lovely legs." He starts humming under his breath. Kate hears "pa rum-pum-pum-pum" and elbows him. He grins and wraps his arm around her shoulders, singing softly in her ear, "I want to play with you pa-rum-pum-pum-pum…as my drum."

"Rick, that doesn't make any sense."

"Sure it does," he says and switches to "Jingle Bells."

"….Batman smells, Robin laid an egg…"

_I'm in love with a crazy person_, Kate thinks. Then she kisses him.


	8. Chapter 8

Back at the loft, all hope of making out like crazy teenagers and finishing what they started is demolished by the presence of actual teenagers in the form of Alexis and five of her best friends. Castle, accustomed to gaggling giggling groups of girls, didn't bat an eye and tries to pull her into the study anyway, but Kate is very aware of Alexis watching them. After a few awkward moments of Kate trying to act casual and not freeze up when Castle touches her, Alexis seems to take pity on her.

"All right, friends and confidantes," she says loudly. "Let's go to my room and give my father and his _girlfriend_ some privacy." She dares them to contradict her and when they don't, she leads her pack of friends upstairs.

Kate leans against the kitchen counter in relief. "Wow. Does she completely hate the idea of us together?" Castle wraps his arms around her and kisses her neck.

"No, not at all…you have the softest skin…" His teeth gently nip her throat. "I mean, she may resent you for awhile for taking a lot of my time and attention and sure, she may have a fit the first time she sees you in the morning wearing my one of my shirts, but eventually she'll get over it." His hands slide under her dress and Kate's heart ramps up.

"Now, I think my hands were right about _here_ when New York's finest interrupted." Castle's hands stroke her inner thighs until Kate is squirming and he presses her back against the counter, his mouth hard against hers. She pulls at his shirt, finally getting a corner of it free. His fingers reach the area between her legs that throbs the most and Kate moans, her fingers digging into the muscles in his back. Suddenly, a loud raucous bass beat starts.

"Oh, make my heart thump 7, 8, 9…make my heart beat double time."

Kate and Castle both freeze.

"I'm the only sour cherry on your fruit stand, right?"

"Shit," Castle mumbles against her neck. His hands retreat and he pulls Kate up from the counter and holds her close, laughing a bit. "Just as well," he says. "The kitchen counter is no place to make love to a beautiful woman. At least, not the first time. Maybe the third or fourth."

Kate's body is wildly disappointed but she doesn't want to be caught having sex on his counter by either Alexis or Martha. She can't imagine which would be worse. Alexis—well, no daughter should see her father having sex in the kitchen. Martha would probably congratulate them for finally getting on with it and enjoy a nice glass of wine in the living room. Kate closes her eyes and tries to ignore the tiny electric shocks quivering through her body. He's still holding her closely and his hardness is pressing against her, not helping either of them calm down. He's kissing her neck again and they're both breathing heavily.

Kate pushes him away from her. "Look, why don't you make me that hot chocolate you promised and we can sit on the couch like two civilized people." For a second Kate thinks he is going to throw her over his shoulder and haul her up to his bedroom—and she's not going to fight him—but he shakes his head and sanity seems to return.

"Okay," he says. "Let me tell Alexis to turn down the damn stereo. I like The Kills as much as any 17 year old, but that's too loud."

Twenty minutes later they are sitting on the couch, drinking from large cups of steaming cocoa and Castle has Kate's feet in his lap (they tried sitting next to each other but they couldn't keep their hands to themselves so he suggested this as a compromise) when Martha flings open the door.

"Darlings!" She exclaims when she sees them. She drops her shopping bags to the floor and takes off her snowy coat and boots. "You wouldn't believe the snow out there. How clever of you to be drinking what smells like hot chocolate." She collapses onto the couch next to Kate. "Hello, Kate, dear. How nice to see you. What are we talking about?"

What they are talking about is the unfortunate news that Black Pawn's book tour plans for _Heat Rises_ are finally complete and Castle is set to leave for Chicago the first week of January, right after New Year's Day. Kate's not happy about this, but she knows the book tour plans have been in the works for awhile. Castle told her that if he put off the tour one more time, Paula and Gina would kidnap him and force him to go. So he's going.

"I'm an author, that's part of my job," Castle tells her.

"Yes, it's so demanding to go from city to city to greet your adoring fans," Martha says dryly. "Is Kate allowing you to sign chests?"

"Um…" Castle looks at Kate. Kate looks at Castle. "Well, as long as that's the _only_ thing he's signing," Kate says, giving Castle a dirty look. "I gather it's a Richard Castle tradition and I would hate to stop a tradition."

"My female fans _would_ be disappointed," Castle says. There are a few seconds of silence as Kate pictures Castle surrounded by sexy women baring their chests to him. Her lips tighten. Martha, recognizing it's time for her to leave, drains her glass of warmed sherry and gets up.

"Well, darlings, I've had a long afternoon of shopping. I think I shall put away my purchases and rest my weary tootsies." She waves at them, gathers up her bags from Saks and goes upstairs.

Castle reaches over and pulls Kate into his arms. She rests her head against his chest, his heart thumping reassuringly under her ear. He runs his fingers through her hair and lightly traces her earlobe. They don't say anything for awhile.

"So how long will you be gone?" she asks, trying not to sound as sad as she feels.

"About three and a half months. I'll be back about mid-April. There's no exact date yet because Paula left a few days open in case new locations are added."

"Hmm." Kate plays with a shirt button. "So you're going to leave before we even get the chance to, um—"

Castle laughs. "Kate, we can go to your apartment right now and stay there till Christmas if you want. I'll be your love slave." His hand strokes her back, leaving her skin warm and tingly. She presses her hand against his hard muscled chest and imagines him in her bed, stroking her bare body, her lips on him, his fingers free to explore her crevices and a shudder of excitement runs through her body. But….

"No."

"No?"

"No. I don't want to rush this. I want to know what it's like to be wooed by the great Richard Castle, playboy extraordinaire."

"You want to be wooed? I can do that." He kisses her hair. "I'll woo the pants right off of you." He laughs. She tweaks his nipple through his shirt.

"Remember this though," Castle says, pulling her up so she looks directly into his serious blue eyes. "The playboy part of my life is over. I love you and when I give away my heart, I give away my body too. I'm yours."

Kate can't compete with his poetic words so she tells him she loves him too and kisses him until her lips hurt.

* * *

><p>The next day, Kate goes back to work. Two days later it's Christmas. Kate sees Castle the day after Christmas at the small party he throws for his fellow detectives and he even invites Capt. Gates. There is some grumbling about that, but Castle gives them the "what was I supposed to do? Not invite her?" look. Good will holds throughout the evening, helped by copious amounts of alcohol and delicious food. Castle ambushes Kate a few times, pulling her into hallways or closets to kiss the life out of her and caress her. Kate tries to act as if their relationship hasn't changed, but she isn't sure they fooled anyone. After Castle puts his last two guests, Lanie and Esposito, into a cab, he pulls Kate over to the Christmas tree.<p>

"Here," he says. He hands her a small box wrapped in red and green paper topped with silver ribbons. Kate is a little hesitant about accepting this. Small boxes usually mean jewelry and she isn't sure they are in the jewelry phase yet.

"Rick, you didn't—" she protests but he cuts her off.

"Just open it."

She pulls at the ribbons and unwraps the paper to reveal the small jewelers box. Resting on a small square of white velvet is a piece of gold about two and a half inches long and an inch wide—a tiny rectangle—with delicate etchings on its surface. Kate pulls the necklace from the box to look at the symbols more closely.

"Rick, it's lovely. These are Japanese symbols, aren't they?"

"Yes. Remember—oh, this was probably a few years ago, not long after I'd started shadowing you—we talked about the countries we'd visited and you told me about the time you'd spent in Japan and how fascinated you were with the culture?"

She nodded.

"Well, I was curious about why you were so fascinated…yeah, I know," he confesses sheepishly when she raises her eyebrow. "Even then I was already smitten…but anyway the more I read about the samurai and the seven virtues of the bushidō, the more I was reminded of you. See, look." Castle gently touches the gold. "These are the seven virtues: justice, courage, compassion, respect, honesty, honor and loyalty. This was the code that that samurai lived by." He smiles at her. "You're a samurai."

Kate is touched by his gift. "Rick, thank you. This is really…I mean…oh, hell." She decides action is better and kisses him thoroughly. When she pulls away, she is delighted to see that he is as out of breath as she is.

"Put it on me?" she asks. He takes the tiny gold chain from her and she pulls her hair up so he can fasten it. Castle kisses the back of her neck, causing shivers of pleasure to race down her spine.

"Let me see," he says and she turns to face him.

"Lovely. Like you." He kisses her quickly. "You know another trait of the samurai that reminded me of you?"

"What?"

"Reckless bravery. I don't know anyone with more reckless bravery than you do—hey!" This as she punches his arm.

"Watch it. Remember, I'm a samurai." She looks under the tree and picks up a package and hands it to him.

"Here. This is for you."

Castle is excited. "A present? For me?" He rips off the paper and lets it fall to the floor. He whoops with glee. "How did you get this? This is crazy. _I_ can't even get one of these—and believe me, I've tried." Castle is looking in disbelief at a 1962 edition of _The Amazing Spider-Man_ signed by Stan Lee.

"Seriously, how did you get this?"

Kate is grinning at his surprise. "I know people. Who know people. Who owe me favors."

"Wow." Castle looks at the comic book again. "This will go in a place of honor."

"Take it on your book tour with you," Kate suggests. "That way it will remind me of you."

Castle looks at her. "Kate, believe me, I won't need a comic book—even one as awesome as this—to remind me of you. I think of you all the time. How your hair smells, your beautiful eyes, the little crease you get between your brows when you're puzzled." He pulls her to him, whispering in her ear. "What your mouth feels like beneath mine." Castle kisses her slowly, then breaks away. "How you moan when I kiss your throat." His lips move from her lips down the line of her throat and Kate closes her eyes, presses herself close to him, and—she can't help herself—moans. His mouth moves lower and lingers at the v of her sweater and her hands grasp his denim-covered ass and squeeze. They stay like that for a long moment, the silence of the room broken only by their heavy breathing and her sighs until he pulls away from her. She makes a disappointed sound and opens her eyes to see him smiling at her.

"And this, my lovely Kate, is why I don't need a comic book to remind me of you."

* * *

><p>A week later, Alexis and Martha accompany him to Newark International Airport to wave goodbye as he boards a plane to Chicago. He and Kate said their goodbyes the night before, having spent a quiet evening at her apartment. While he is shoving his carry-on luggage into the overhead compartment, Kate is at a murder scene, staring at a dead body and trying not to think of how much she already misses him.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

First, Kate goes to the bank. She doesn't have any accounts there, but it's a massive stone structure that looks safe and impenetrable. After she complies with the necessary formalities of becoming a customer, the woman gives her two tiny metal keys and escorts her down the hallway to the room where all the security boxes are kept. She places a metal box on a table for Kate and leaves. Kate puts her shoulder bag on the table and pulls out a large brown accordion file. She hesitates, holding the file in her hands, then places it into the security box, puts the box back into its space and locks it. Kate leaves the bank without a backward glance.

An hour later, she slides into a booth across from a dark-haired, square-jawed man. He lifts his eyes from his coffee and smiles at her.

"Hello, Kate. It's been a long time."

"Hi. Yes, it has been." She pulls off her coat and orders a cup of coffee.

"So, how've you been?" the man asks. "I heard about the shooting. I left flowers at the hospital for you."

"Yes, you did. I'm sorry I never called you. I was…I was not at my best. Don't take it personally. I didn't call a lot of people."

"Yeah." He takes a sip of his coffee. "So, what's going on? I can't imagine the NYPD actually requesting the help of the Bureau."

"Well, this is sort of unofficial. And personal." Kate thanks the waitress when she sets a cup of steaming hot coffee down in front of her.

He raises an eyebrow. "Sort of unofficial _and_ personal? Go on."

Kate takes a deep breath. "It has to do with my mother's death. And my shooting." She digs into the same shoulder bag she had with her at the bank and pulls out a second accordion file, identical to the first. "This contains all the information we've dug up, but first I'll tell you the story of how my mother's death led to my being shot." Kate talks for several minutes, pausing just long enough for him to pull a pen and notepad from his coat pocket. She doesn't mention the names of her detectives or Rick; the ambiguous "we" is all he needs to know for now. When she stops talking, her voice is hoarse. She takes a sip of her lukewarm coffee and watches as Will opens the file and begins to flip through the pictures, the documents, all the evidence they'd managed to gather. Kate feels as if the weight of twenty years and the guilt of many deaths has just been removed from her shoulders. Will Sorenson, her ex-boyfriend g-man, would know how to handle this.

"Soooo…." Will runs his hands over his face. "This is one helluva conspiracy you stumbled onto. Why isn't the NYPD handling this internally? You still think there are dirty cops associated with this criminal organization?"

"I think that whoever is behind all this still has ties to the NYPD, yes," Kate replies. "I don't know who to trust, other than the people who have already been working with me. I figure the FBI will have more resources to handle this. I've gone as far as I can without putting my life or my colleagues' lives in danger."

"Yeah, I can see that." Will slides all the reports and photographs back into the file. "I know who I can talk to about this and we'll keep it as quiet as we can—until we can't."

Kate reaches over and touches his arm. "Thank you, Will. And, if it's at all possible, can you keep Montgomery's name out of it? I'd hate for his family to find out what he did." Will places his big hand over hers.

"Kate, I'll try, but if we get anywhere with this case, his actions will have to come out. Particularly if we do get hard evidence that he shot Bob Armen and not Pulgotti. That's an innocent man who's been sitting in prison for a murder he didn't commit—although, considering his mob connections, he's probably in the right place, even if he was convicted of the wrong murder."

Kate's not happy with his answer, but she knows he is right. She tries to pull her hand away, but Will captures it with his strong grip.

"You look real good, Kate, you know that? I love the long hair." He reaches out with one hand and touches the waves framing her face. Kate blushes and pulls her hand from his grasp.

"Will, I'm sorry, but I'm with someone."

"Oh, yeah? That's too bad. Anyone I know?" His tone is deliberately casual but Kate can see that he is disappointed.

"Um, actually he is." She doesn't want to get into this. She's not actually told anyone that she and Castle are officially together and an ex-boyfriend isn't the first person she wants to tell. Kate fiddles with her purse, hoping he won't ask. After a few seconds of silence, Will starts to laugh.

"No. _No_. Kate, really?"

"What?"

"Really? It's the writer monkey, isn't it?"

Dammit, her face is red. "So what if it is? That's not his name, by the way."

Will shakes his head. "I should have known. He pretty much dared me to take you from him when we worked that missing kid case together. I mean, I knew you had a crush on him but damn, I didn't think…" His voice trails off as he looks at her with his piercing light blue eyes.

"Are you happy? If you're happy, I'll be happy for you."

Kate looks him in the eyes and smiles. "Will, I'm very, very happy."

* * *

><p>Castle is exhausted. It's late February and his book tour has taken him all over North America. He's been zigzagging across the continent so much that he's not sure where he is now. He looks out the big front windows of the store and sees the piles of snow. Oh, yeah. Cleveland. Specifically, a Barnes and Noble bookstore at Crocker Park. He's just spent the last three hours here, speaking and signing books. The store is now closing and Livia, Black Pawn's publicity assistant, is trying to usher him out of the store and away from lingering fans. Mostly female fans who approach him with a predatory smile that makes him want to hide under a table. He's had more than a few phone numbers and email addresses slipped to him over the course of the tour and he throws all those slips of paper away as soon he gets back to his hotel room. There's only one woman for him and he misses her terribly.<p>

The woman talking to him now is wearing the tightest sweater he's ever seen and he has to actively force his eyes away from her chest. Not that he's attracted to her, it's that she has her breasts forced into some sort of cone-shaped bra and they're looking at him like missiles ready to launch. He's worried they'll attack him as soon as he looks away. Unfortunately, this woman has mistaken his politeness (and fear) as mutual sexual interest and she moves closer to him and places a hand on his arm. Just then, Castle's cell phone rings. He pulls it from his pocket. Kate.

"I'm sorry," Castle says to the missile breasts. "I really have to take this call. Thank you for coming out tonight and enjoy the book." He smiles his biggest author-meeting-his-crazy-fans smile and turns away, giving Livia a look of desperation. She takes the hint and courteously escorts the woman away. Castle quickly walks to the back of the store and hides in the historical romance section.

"Hi."

"Hi." Her voice is slightly distorted by the phone.

"I miss you. If I thought no one would notice I'd escape to New York to be with you." He hears her laughter and smiles.

"Yes, but then that extremely efficient assistant you have there—"

"Livia."

"—Livia would track you down and drag you back to wherever you are now."

"Cleveland. The home of rock and roll."

"Huh. Is it really?"

"They have the hall of fame to prove it."

"That's right, they do. Did you have time to visit?"

"As a matter of fact, I did today. Right now they have a huge Bruce Springsteen exhibit. That was cool. It's a very interesting place; we'll go together sometime."

"Okay." She pauses. "I met with Will today."

"Ah." Castle is happy with her decision to turn over the investigation to the FBI; he's not so happy that the FBI came in the form of Will Sorenson, a handsome, square-jawed, broad-shouldered ex-boyfriend.

"He says he'll give me periodic updates."

"Uh huh."

"Rick." Kate is amused. "Don't be jealous. He knows I'm with you."

"Oh, yeah? How?"

"I told him. Satisfied?"

Castle grunts. He doesn't trust Will. Too damned good-looking plus he has that "I'm a sexy, trustworthy guy" vibe. He's about to say as much when he sees Livia's head peeking around a display of books featuring busty women in ripped gowns clinging to bare-chested muscled men with long blonde hair. She's giving him the "let's go while the going is good" signal.

"Kate, honey, I have to go. I'll call you when I get back to the hotel."

"Okay. I love you."

Kate hears his "goodbye, I love you too" and the line goes dead. She drops the phone onto her bed and sighs. It's been a long almost two months without him. She misses him at work and finds herself staring sadly at his empty chair. Before he left, they went to one of those photo booths at the mall (she couldn't believe they actually found one) and took about a million pictures. She hides a few of them at work in her desk drawer. She also has a few in her bedroom and has gotten into the habit of looking at them before she goes to sleep. Or tries to go to sleep. Looking at the photographs of them hugging each other or kissing or making silly faces, but in some way always touching each other, makes her think about how much she misses touching him, kissing him, feeling his hands on her and those kinds of thoughts are not conducive to a good night's sleep. The last time she had herself worked into a sexual frustration, Castle called. He immediately suggested phone sex and Kate was finding that quite enjoyable until he abruptly quit midsentence. When Kate complained, he told her he realized they should at least both be in the same room when they have their first orgasms together. She conceded that he did have a point and now they try keep their phone conversations PG-rated.

Oh well. Kate goes to the kitchen and pulls a beer from the fridge and waits for him to call her back.

* * *

><p>"Damn, girlfriend, you have been awfully gloomy lately. What's up?" Lanie spins on her bar stool and gives Kate a suspicious look. Kate decided she was staying home too much and asked Lanie to desert Esposito on a Saturday night so they could go out. Now they're out, wearing their sexy "Saturday night in SoHo" clothes and Kate can't seem to enjoy herself.<p>

Lanie continues to question her. "Is it because a certain writer—who shall remain nameless—is out of town? Oh, but you probably don't miss him since you don't even like him. Right?"

"Lanie," Kate says. "I'm going to tell you something but you have to promise to keep it to yourself. You can't even tell Javier." Even as Kate utters those words she knows Lanie will tell him everything.

"Kate. This is girl talk. I do _not_ need to tell that man our girl talk."

"Uh huh. Well. Rick and I are dating." She casually sips her wine as if the announcement is no big deal.

Lanie squeals and grabs by the shoulders. "You and Castle are finally getting your freak on? Girl, why didn't you tell me sooner? I thought you two were acting weird at his Christmas party—always disappearing and then reappearing with your hair messed up and your lipstick smeared. So who broke first? I want details!"

Oh, hell. She wants details. Kate's usually not very comfortable about giving out details of her personal life, even to friends. But she figures she owes Lanie, and besides, it may actually be fun sharing with her.

"Well, first, we are not 'getting our freak on.' We're still in the kissing and feeling-up-over-the-clothes phase. Well," Kate pauses, remembering several instances when his hands were technically under one piece of her clothing or another, "_mostly_ over the clothes."

Lanie chokes on her whiskey sour. "Really? That's it? He does know you're not a virgin, right?"

"Ha, Lanie. Very ha. We don't want to rush it."

"Don't want to rush it? Girlfriend, you two have been more or less in love with each other for over three years. Don't _even_ get me started on the lust-filled looks. I know people who've gotten married and divorced while you and Castle have been 'not rushing it.'"

"Well, we decided to wait till after he returns from the book tour," Kate says primly. Then she grins. "Of course, that doesn't mean I haven't gotten a preview of the main event."

Lanie leans in closer. "A sneak peek?"

"Let's just say it's not called the 'coming attraction' for nothing."

"Kate!" Lanie is surprised. "Congratulations, girl. I wasn't sure you had it in you."

"Well, not yet, but in a few weeks…" Kate lets her sentence trail off suggestively. Lanie whoops with laughter and yells to the bartender to bring another round.

* * *

><p><em>AN One of the fun aspects of writing fanfic (and there are many) is being able to drop in little hints of my own life. Livia, Castle's efficient publicity assistant, is a friend of mine who thinks my Castle obsession is nuts. So in revenge I am putting her in my story. Also, Cleveland's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a very cool place. The Bruce Springsteen exhibit actually ran a few years ago and it was pretty awesome. Thanks for being patient and continuing to read. Two more chapters follow that I hope to have up soon!_


	10. Chapter 10

Kate is running late. Normally she wakes up on her own, but this morning her whole system is off. Her clock stopped working. The toaster threw out sparks and burned her bagel. She is out of coffee. Her car won't start. She sits behind the wheel, cursing under her breath quietly. Taxi or subway? She wants to get an extra-early start because Rick is due back in town tonight and she hopes to go home early and pretty up, then go to the Castle loft where Martha and Alexis have a welcome home party planned. Now she's not going to be any earlier than usual. She decides on the subway since she's only two stops from the precinct.

After a twenty-minute ride holding onto a strap with elbows and briefcases poking her, Kate walks into the precinct. 7:25 a.m. She's making mental lists of everything she has to do, the first of which is to get a giant cup of coffee, and searching her cell phone's contact list for the number of the NYPD's garage when she walks smack into someone.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't—" She looks up. Castle is right in front of her wearing a bright red shirt and jeans holding a giant bouquet of flowers. He's looking at her with a smile in his blue eyes. Kate doesn't hesitate. She throws her arms around his neck, overcome with happiness. Castle has just enough time to move the bouquet out of the way before she squashes it between them. They hold each other tightly for several seconds until Castle loosens his hold on her just enough to kiss her hungrily, his hands buried in her thick chestnut hair. Kate opens her mouth to his and grips his wide shoulders, her fingers digging into the muscles of his back. She thinks briefly that they should stop before someone walks in, but he feels so good she can't bring herself to care who sees them.

* * *

><p>Ryan and Esposito are walking into the room when they stop abruptly, amazed at the sight before them of Beckett and Castle locked in what is obviously a passionate embrace.<p>

"Mom and Dad finally together," Ryan says, shaking his head. "I never thought I'd see the day."

Esposito grins but doesn't say anything. He's known since Lanie told him a few weeks ago. "You know this means I won the bet, right?"

"Yeah." Ryan's romantic tendencies are clashing with his irritation at losing a hundred bucks. "Let's come back in five minutes. Maybe they'll come up for air by then."

"I don't know, bro," Esposito says as they walk away. "They look as if they are just getting started."

* * *

><p>Finally, Castle pulls away from her. Kate makes a wordless sound of complaint and tries to pull him back.<p>

"Kate," Castle says breathlessly. "If we don't stop I'm going to drag you into Gates's office and lock the door and I don't think she'd be pleased to find us there."

Kate opens her eyes. Castle's mouth is swollen and some of her red lipstick is smeared above his upper lip. He's still holding the bouquet of flowers and they look a little bedraggled. It wasn't some kind of weird daydream. He's actually here.

"Rick, what are you doing here? I thought you were flying in tonight. Do Martha and Alexis know you're here? They're planning a party for you." Kate wants to touch him again so badly she clasps her hands together behind her back.

"I came in yesterday morning. Don't blame them for misleading you; I wanted to surprise you at work this morning."

"Mission accomplished." Kate's breathing is almost back to normal. She looks at the bouquet. It's a collection of spring flowers, primarily lilacs. "Those for me?"

"Oh, yes." He hands them over. "They were in better condition before you attacked me like a sex-starved lunatic."

"Who's fault is that?" she replies lightly, taking the flowers from him. Kate buries her nose in the bouquet. "Thank you. I love the smell of lilacs."

Castle watches her with a look of barely controlled passion in his eyes. He wants to drag her out of here and take her to the loft and throw her on his bed and kiss every inch of her body. He's waited a very long time to be with her and every nerve in his body is clamoring to touch her again.

"Well, I'm here now," he says quietly to her, his voice husky with need. "Take the day off." His eyes are very blue and the way he's looking at her is making her pulse speed up and a throbbing start between her legs and spread throughout her body. Unconsciously she runs her tongue over her bottom lip as she imagines sinking her teeth into _his_ bottom lip.

Sensing she is almost convinced, Castle reaches out and pulls her to him, wrapping his arm around her waist. His free hand touches her cheek, then brushes against her throat and plays with the necklace he gave her at Christmas. Kate's hands are buried in his hair and they are staring into each other's eyes.

"No one's home. My mother is gone for the day and Alexis is at school." His hand shifts slightly and now he's cupping her breast and running his thumb over her nipple, feeling it harden. Kate's mouth is dry and she can't think with all the electricity surging through her body. All she wants is to be naked in his bed with him inside her.

"Yes," she says. Her voice is hoarse. She's never wanted anyone this badly, even when she was sixteen and her hormones were raging and she was making out with that bad boy senior in the back of his dad's Pontiac Grand Am.

Castle doesn't hesitate. He grabs her hand and leads her out of the squad room. They are almost sprinting down the hallway when they run into Esposito.

"Where you two going?"

Kate jerks on Castle's hand and they pause.

"Tell Gates I'm taking a vacation day," she says. "Thanks." As they walk past him, Esposito yells at them: "Yo! Beckett, you can't take today off. The whole homicide division is meeting with the commissioner. You forget that?"

She did forget that. She stops walking.

"Fuck."

Esposito catches up with them and grins at her choice of profanity. "Sorry, chica, that's not going to happen today. At least," he looks at his watch, "not before noon." Castle gives him the dirtiest look but Esposito shrugs. "Sorry, bro. You want Beckett to tell Iron Gates that she missed this meeting because she was—" Castle glares at him and Esposito chooses his words carefully—"helping you with a scene for your next Nikki Heat book?"

"Okay, okay," Kate says to him. "Go away. I'll be at my desk in five minutes." Esposito, still grinning, walks back towards the squad room. Kate sighs and turns toward Castle.

"I'm sorry. He's right. If I'm not at this damn meeting the only excuse that will work is I've been shot again." Castle winces at her choice of words. Goddammit. Just when he is _this_ _close_ to getting her naked, the universe intervenes again.

"Look, let's try for Saturday," he says. "I have to meet with Gina tomorrow to go over details from the book tour, sales figures, attendance numbers, that sort of thing. But Saturday is _our_ day. No interruptions. No phone calls. No murder investigations. You are _mine_."

"Yours, huh?" Kate has a look in her eyes that makes him want to grab her and take her home with him, police commissioner be damned. "I can't wait," she whispers and pulls him to her and kisses him, a slow, thorough kiss that leaves them both gasping. She walks away quickly and doesn't look back, still holding the flowers.

"Fuck," Castle says as he watches her walk away. Now he has to go home alone and take a very cold shower. Again.


	11. Chapter 11

Kate picked the restaurant. He wanted to take her somewhere fancier, some place with five stars and a menu with no prices on it, but Kate said no. She also nixed his plans for dinner and changed it to lunch, but again, Castle couldn't argue since her reason was excellent: "Why should I wait till Saturday night to see you when we could spend the whole day together?" Good point, Kate. So here he is at what Kate calls her "friendly neighborhood diner" sitting at a small table outside waiting for her. It's a beautiful mid-April day. The trees finally have leaves again, the birds are singing, and the sun is shining down on Castle's head. It's an unusually warm day for spring and he's glad he went with his casual best—open-necked blue shirt and jeans. He looks at his watch impatiently. She's not late, he's just early and he can't wait to see her again.

"Wow," says the guy sitting at the table next to him. "That is one gorgeous woman." Castle looks down the sidewalk and sees Kate walking towards the restaurant. His breath catches in his throat. Her hair is a shiny mass of chestnut waves falling around her shoulders. She's wearing a strapless champagne-colored sun dress and her shoulders are kissably bare. The red heels she's wearing make her lovely long legs even sexier. She's scanning the cluster of people standing in front the restaurant, clearly seeking someone. Castle is once again amazed that this beautiful sexy intelligent woman is in love with him.

"I wonder if I can convince her to dump the guy she's meeting and have lunch with me?" Kate's admirer asks Castle.

"Sorry, buddy. That beautiful woman is with _me_." Castle gets up and walks toward Kate, unable to hide the big grin on his face. Finally catching sight of him in the crowd of people waiting to get in, she smiles and doesn't resist when he pulls her into his arms for a kiss. As always, every part of his body comes alive—sometimes too alive—when he is near her. She smells like sunshine and tastes like cherries and he has to resist the urge to throw her over his shoulder and carry her to his bed like a twenty-first century cave man. Finally she pulls away from him and from the look in her eyes he's thinking maybe she'll want to skip lunch too, but she just says, "Are we going to be one of those disgusting couples who engage in non-stop PDA?"

"I hope so," he says calmly while his brain is freaking out: C_ouple! She called us a couple! _He's giddy. With any other woman that word would not be so monumental, but with Kate Beckett, who fought him every step of the way in this love affair, it was an amazing achievement.

"Well, we've certainly established a pattern." Kate looks at the crowded sidewalk. "Tell me you made reservations."

"I made reservations," Castle assures her. He takes her hand in his and pulls her through the crowd to the reservation desk. After being settled by the hostess at their table, Castle looks through the menu.

"So, Kate, what are you hungry for?"

Kate looks up from her menu. "You. Sweaty and naked. In my bed." She runs her tongue over her bottom lip and raises one eyebrow. Castle almost drops his glass of water on his lap, an area of his body which could have used a good cooling-off right then.

"Whaaa—?"

"Oh, you mean food? Well, let's see…" and she flips her menu to the lunch entrees. "Never a good idea to start with dessert anyway," she murmurs under her breath.

Castle sometimes can't believe that this Kate Beckett is the same woman he met four years ago; she's open, affectionate, and driving him wild with her teasing.

"Kate."

"Hmm?" She looks at him, her hazel eyes wide with innocence. "Do _you_ want dessert first?"

It's on the tip of Castle's tongue to tell her exactly what he wants when he notices her lips curving in the barest hint of a smile. Two can play this game, he thinks.

"No, not me. I think the pasta looks good, though."

She laughs and he reaches across the table and captures her hand in his and raises it to his lips. He gently kisses her hand and looks into her eyes. They are both breathless and Castle may have pulled her across the table to him except the waiter chose that moment to appear.

"Hello, I'm Dan. Would you like to hear our lunch specials?"

Castle releases Kate's hand and turns to look at the waiter. "Dan, I would love to hear your lunch specials. But first I think we need a bottle of your best wine."

* * *

><p>About an hour later, Kate and Castle are wandering around the neighborhood hand-in-hand. The unspoken agreement for the afternoon is to go back to his loft and boink like bunny rabbits, but now that the opportunity is upon them, both of them seem awkward about suggesting it.<p>

"So, there's that naked people exhibit at MoMA," Castle says, stressing the word _naked_.

"Naked people?"

"Well, it's actually an exhibit showcasing the career of an artist, Marina Something-or-other, and nude models just happen to be a part of it. I read about it yesterday's paper."

"Uh huh. You stopped reading after the words 'naked models.'"

"Hey, it's MoMA. Naked models and weird art complement each other. What do you think?"

"I think," Kate says, tipping her head up and looking at the darkening skies, "that it's going to rain."

"It's not supposed to—" he says as a rain drop hits him in the nose. Soon there are many rain drops hitting him on the nose and there's a rumble of thunder as the rain pours down. Kate squeals as the sudden cold rain pelts her bare shoulders and they run for the nearest shop awning. They huddle under it along with a few other people waiting out the sudden downpour. Just a minute in the rain had wet her hair and drenched her sun dress. Kate is shivering. Castle briskly rubs her shoulders and arms with his warm hands. His shirt is wet and stuck to his chest but he doesn't seem cold.

"Come here," he says and pulls her into his arms.

"But you're wet too."

"Body heat," Castle replies. He meant it innocently enough but with her pressed so close to him, he can feel her flesh against his and when her nipples contract and harden against his chest it's as if they aren't wearing clothes at all. Oblivious to the people around them, he kisses her. She opens her mouth to taste his tongue with hers and her hands slide under his shirt to caress his muscled back. Castle bites her bottom lip, his hands cupping her bottom. She makes a small sound and moves her hips against him, enjoying the feeling of his hardness pressing against her. He squeezes her bottom again and groans when her right hand stealthily slides between them to feel the shape of his erection through the denim. Castle grabs her wrist and pulls his mouth from hers.

"Kate," he says, his mouth inches from her ear, "let's go back to my loft."

"No," she says, her one free hand under his shirt and stroking his chest. "My apartment is only five blocks away." Five blocks right now seems like miles when he wants her this badly, but her place is closer. And, more importantly, they can be alone.

"Okay. Let's get a cab." It's still raining, but not with the same fierceness of earlier. Kate looks at the shop whose awning sheltered them.

"Rick, look," she says and pulls on his hand. Castle glances at her, then at the name of the store displayed in hot pink neon lights: **The Pleasure Chest**. Dildos and whips are on display in the front window.

"Do we need anything?" he asks Kate, half seriously.

"Rick, you have the only toy I want to play with right now," she says and lightly brushes her hand against the hardness in his jeans.

"You just wait," Castle growls in her ear as a cab pulls up.

"Oh, promises, promises," she says, sliding into the back seat next to him and then gasps when his hand slides under her wet dress and presses hard between her thighs. His eyes are burning into hers and she can't concentrate on anything except his fingers stroking her silk panties and the tiny spasms of pleasure shooting through her. Somewhere, from about a million miles away, she hears Castle say, "Driver, please hurry."

_Yes, hurrying would be good right now_….Kate's last coherent thought as Castle's fingers manage to ease under the thin strip of fabric and gently probe the hot wetness of her. Kate stifles a moan by biting her hand, but she can't help squirming in her seat. They are both breathing heavily and very soon now she's not going to be able to control herself. Castle leans over and whispers in her ear, "In five minutes that's where my tongue is going to be." Kate can't look at him; if she even thinks about what he just said she's going to come and she tends to have very noisy orgasms.

Just as Kate grabs Castle's arm to stop the activity of his clever fingers, the cab pulls up to her building. Castle hands the driver much more money than he is owed and helps Kate out of the car. Her legs are unsteady. In the elevator, Rick pulls her back against him, his lips on the nape of her neck, his hands cupping her breasts through the wet dress, his thumbs brushing against her nipples. His erection is pressing into the curve of her back and she reaches blindly behind her to touch any part of his body she can. When the elevator doors open onto her floor they stumble into the hallway and try to continue caressing each other as they walk to her door.

She pulls her keys from her purse but before she can get the door open, Castle turns her to face him and kisses her roughly, his body slamming hers back against the door. His hands are under her dress holding her hips as she rubs against him. When his finger slides up into her, she cries out and her knees buckle. She pulls away from his kiss.

"Rick, _please_." The aching need in her voice is making him crazy.

Castle keeps her pinned against him as he reaches around her to open the door. His mouth is nipping at her throat and he hears her gasping in his ear. He kicks the door closed behind them and reaches for the zipper on her dress.

"No. Bedroom." Kate breathes into his ear and they stumble together towards her bedroom, Kate leading him by pushing and pulling on his shirt. Neither of them wants to let go of the other so it's a slow walk across the length of her apartment with several long pauses filled with gasps and moans and heavy breathing.

When they finally reach her bedroom, Kate pulls away from Castle. The rain is pelting against the windows and the room is dark.

"Turn on the light," Castle says. His voice is husky. "I want to see you."

She turns on the small lamp beside her bed and turns to face him as she reaches for the zipper on the back of her dress. Kate lets the dress slide down her body and pool around her feet. Her heart is pounding and suddenly she feels shy, standing nearly nude in front of Rick. _Castle_. The same man who squirts canned whipped cream into his mouth; a man who girly screams at crime scenes; a man who is looking at her now with desire and love and passion in his eyes. A look she knows is mirrored in her own eyes.

Castle soaks in the sight of Kate's body. She's so perfect. Her breasts are lovely and yes, they do fit perfectly in his hand. He kisses her collarbone then goes lower, his mouth tasting her nipples, gently nipping and sucking them. Kate moans and buries her hands in his hair. He strokes the silken skin of her flat belly and gently nudges her until she feels the bed behind her and allows herself to fall backwards. He trails kisses to the edge of her panties and pulls them over her hips and down her thighs until she kicks them to the floor, her heels flying off too. Kneeling before her, Castle pulls her towards him until she is on the edge of the mattress and her legs are resting on his shoulders. Kate unconsciously holds her breath as she feels his warm breath tickling her, then gasps in unexpected pain as his teeth sink into the soft flesh of her inner thigh. She tries to pull away, but his strong hands hold her down. Castle bites harder, feels her squirming and releases her. The area he bit throbs with pain but a second later she feels nothing but jolts of pleasure as his mouth settles firmly between her legs, sucking and licking. Her hips move against the pressure of his mouth and she moans, her hands gripping his head. When he slides two fingers into her and applies pressure from inside, the waves of pleasure peak and Kate screams, her orgasm flooding through her body again and again as Castle holds onto her bucking hips and doesn't stop until Kate calls out his name and begs him to quit. He kisses the inside of her thighs and lowers her legs off from his shoulders. Kate's whole body is trembling with aftershocks and her muscles have turned to butter, but she manages to pull herself up onto the bed. Castle collapses onto the bed next to her. For a few moments the only sound is their breathing.

"That was…_amazing_."

"Oh, I'm just getting started," he says. He reaches out a hand and strokes her hip. "Soon I'll have you begging for more."

"Don't get so cocky." Kate will never admit it, but he's probably right. He has the mouth and fingers of a skilled artisan.

"Speaking of cock…" he takes her hand and presses it to the fly of his jeans. "Do you think you can help me with this situation?"

"Wow." It's as if he has an iron bar in there. She sits up and gives the matter her full attention. Castle groans as her hand caresses him through the denim.

"Stand at the foot of the bed," she commands him. He does and Kate kneels on the bed in front of him. She kisses him, tasting herself on him, taking his tongue into her mouth. She pulls away and unbuttons his shirt, her hazel gaze meeting his dark blue one. She pulls his shirt off and kisses his shoulders, his neck, his chest. Kate's lips pause at his nipples and she bites first one, then the other. Castle sucks in his breath at the unexpected pleasure. She smiles and moves lower, tasting his salty, slightly sweaty flesh. When she reaches his belt, she changes position, moving forward to sit on the edge of the bed, her legs wrapped around his. With the button unsnapped, Kate carefully eases the zipper over his erection. She pushes his jeans down and he steps out of them, pulling off his shoes and socks. Now he's standing in front of her clad only in his boxers. Kate is eager to unwrap her present, but she first takes a moment to touch him through the dark blue silk. Again, wow. She'll never laugh at him for mentioning silk boxers again.

"Kate," Castle growls at her. She gives him a devilish look and pulls his boxes down over his thighs.

"Oh, my," she says. Castle stands before her in all his glory and how glorious he is. No wonder he brags. She wraps her hand around him, delighting in the velvety feeling of his skin over the rigid hardness. Her other hand cups his scrotum and she alternately strokes and gently squeezes and Castle breathes heavily and moans her name.

Suddenly she leans forward and takes him into her mouth as far as she can. She leans back a bit and concentrates on his head, running her tongue around and around and then licking up his shaft. Castle sounds like a volcano ready to blow its top and his hands are buried in her hair. Kate takes him deep into her mouth again and lightly uses her teeth, progressively increasing the pressure until Castle gasps, "Fuck, Kate. Apples. Apples!"

Kate laughs breathlessly—as much as she can with a mouth full of Castle—and stops. He pulls away from her despite her sounds of displeasure and leans down to whisper in her ear.

"Lie down."

She scoots back on the bed. He stretches out next to her and kisses her, his hands stroking her breasts and the curve of her hips. He's pressed against her stomach and she reaches between them to touch him as his hand slips between her legs. She moans and arches against his hand. Castle can't wait any longer and pulls away from her.

"Kate, my wallet, I need—"

"Wait," she says and without looking reaches behind her into the night stand drawer and pulls out a condom.

"Do you want me to?"

"No…your hands on me again would not be a good idea." He takes the condom from her, rips open the foil and rolls it on. He gently pushes her down onto the pillows and kisses her quickly, his mouth moving from her neck to her breasts, her stomach. He spreads her legs and cups her bottom, lifting her to him. His tongue and lips are magical and Kate moves against him, feeling herself once again on the brink.

"Rick. Rick. _Please_. I want you in me. _Now_."

A moment later his body is positioned over hers and he's looking into her eyes.

"I love you, Kate." Her hips lift to meet his thrust and they both gasp as he fills her. Her hands slide down his back and grip his buttocks, feeling his muscles flex with each thrust. She spreads her legs wider and raises her hips to meet him again and again. He kisses her, his tongue matching his body's movements.

"Kate, damn, you feel so good." His mouth moves to her breasts and she moans. Kate is beyond speech, her nails digging into his ass, urging him to be rougher with her and he responds, biting her nipple as he plunges into her again. Kate cries out, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist and shaking as she comes in a powerful series of tremors. For a long moment Kate is unconscious to any other sensation except the pleasure her body is experiencing. Eventually she returns to earth and takes a deep breath and realizes Castle is looking down at her, smiling. She can feel the tip of him just inside of her.

"Ready for another one?" he asks and in one powerful thrust is deep inside her again.

Kate gasps. He pulls her legs up over his shoulders and leans over her. His face is very close to her and they stare into each other's eyes as he pushes into her again and again.

"Oh, no." Kate reaches behind her and grabs the bed's headboard, arching her upper body and screaming as a second, more powerful orgasm storms through her. This time Castle can't hold out and he moves faster, excited by seeing Kate's face as she came. Soon he groans and calls out her name as he comes, his strong body shuddering and Kate watches him just as he watched her. He doesn't move for a long while, breathing heavily, then he pulls away from her and she lowers her legs. He throws the condom on the floor and pulls Kate against him, spooning her. They rest quietly, letting their breathing and pounding hearts return to normal. Finally, Kate laughs quietly.

"That was _definitely_ worth waiting for. But…." She lets her voice trail off.

"But?" Castle says, thinking that she had a very sexy butt.

"Why'd you wait so long? We could have been enjoying phenomenal sex like that _years_ ago."

"Why'd _I_ wait so long? Good god Kate I wanted to sleep with you after our first case together. _You've_ been the hold-up here, not me." Before Castle finishes his sentence he knows he is being teased. Kate's laughing into her pillow. He reaches down and pinches her ass. She turns her body to face him.

"You do that again and I'm going to get turned on," she warns him. "So I hope you're fully recovered and rarin' to go." She bites his ear. Castle rolls her back onto her side so they are spooning again.

"Give me a few minutes and I'll have you screaming out my name," he promises her. He pulls a blanket up around them and settles her back against him, holding her tightly. He's so happy to be holding her he doesn't think he'll ever let her go again.

"Kate?"

"Uh huh?" She's getting sleepy. The rain is still pounding on the windows and she's wallowing in that orgasmic afterglow that makes her feel as if her bones have turned into jell-o.

"I love you."

"Always?"

"Always."

Kate smiles and thinks she'll have to call Maddie and tell her that being in love isn't such a horrible thing after all.

"I love you." Silence.

"Rick?" A gentle snore answers her. Kate quietly laughs and turns her head slightly to kiss his shoulder. A few minutes later, they are both asleep. And for the first time ever, everything is as it should be in the Castleverse.

* * *

><p><em>AN The end! I hope everyone enjoyed reading my little story as much as I enjoyed writing it. If anyone has specific feedback regarding my sex scenes, that would be helpful since this is the first time I've written any. I tried to make them (reasonably) realistic without getting too technical with details. I have a few more Castle story ideas floating around in my head and I'll start working on another one soon. _

_The MoMA exhibit mentioned by Castle was a real exhibit. I wasn't in NYC to see it, but I heard it was veeeery interesting. Also, **The Pleasure Chest** is a real sex store (with an awning!); it's in the West Village. I saw it on my Sex and the City tour-it's a very, very naughty place. I'm no innocent, but I walked around the store saying to my husband: "What the heck do you do with this?"_

_Again, thanks for reading and thank you for your reviews. This was fun!_


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